Decode
by KellyCRocker59
Summary: AU Multi-chapter; Sean and Holden are high school seniors. Life happens, and sometimes you just don't know how to deal with it. Sean/Holden.
1. Chapter 1

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter One

Wow, it seems like a long time since I've visited this couple. I hope you guys like the AU-ness; I really couldn't get this plot line out of my head. Maybe it's because this is pretty much exactly my predicament, except without any positive events. Oh well, I hope you like this first chapter and please review! :)

* * *

Holden had no idea how to perceive the boy sitting across the room from him. The teenager was minding his own business, sitting at his lunch table with his friends, eating his sandwich, and yet Sean frigging Jackson, the star of the football team, kept looking at him. Sean was douche, totally and completely rude to anyone whose pants he wasn't looking to get into. And yet here he was, staring in this oddly intrigued way at _Holden_, proud president of the Future Business Leaders of America, and member of various other clubs that just weren't cool.

Well, whatever; let Sean stare. He was smoking hot, after all, and Holden wasn't about to pretend that he hadn't fantasized one too many times about the other boy. He returned to the conversation at hand, however, but was constantly watching Sean from his peripheral vision.

A week went by with this same behavior, and finally Holden turned to Sean and just smiled. He smiled as well as he could (which in his opinion was just a bit off-putting), looking right into the football player's eyes. Sean seemed a bit caught off-guard by this, and Holden turned back toward his friends, leaving the other boy to contemplate his reaction.

* * *

"It's just a party, Holden; it's no big deal." Kate said, taking a seat on Holden's bed as he dressed as nicely as he could.

"Yeah, but Sean's probably going to be there…"

"You are too self-conscious, you're sexy, Holden. You've liked the boy for three years now, I'm pretty sure you've looked worse."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Holden questioned, spinning toward her.

"It means it's time to go." Kate replied, standing and grabbing Holden's arm, leading him out of his room.

* * *

They arrived at the party just as various masses of teenagers were getting crazy. The chaperone-free gathering was being held at the lake, which just made Holden a bit more nervous that he was going to be caught by police in an open area where minors were in possession of alcohol. This was his first party; as a high school senior, he thought it necessary that he eventually attend one before graduation.

Kate immediately hurried over to where various people were dancing, socializing with some girls that Holden recognized as being on the cheerleading squad. Holden was left without a single friend, no one seeming the least bit familiar. He couldn't even spot Sean amongst the crowd. Eventually, however, he spotted a boy on the A.V. club named Kelvin; he was dancing alone to some rap song that Holden didn't know.

"Hey!" Holden said over the loud music.

"Oh, hey Holden; having a good time?" Kelvin asked.

"Well…not exactly. I don't really know anyone."

"Pshh, just start dancing; that's all anyone does at these things. Well, that's always what people start doing. I mean look at Sean Jackson! He's banging at least _one _of those girls tonight!"

Holden turned toward where Kelvin was now pointing, and noticed several girls grinding madly against Sean. His stomach sunk, and he immediately felt like leaving. However, Kate had driven them and was nowhere in sight, so it seemed that he was stuck in the situation.

"I'm going to go sit down." Holden told Kelvin absentmindedly, not really caring whether or not the other boy followed him.

"Are you sure? The party's just getting started!" Kelvin exclaimed, swigging a beer Holden hadn't realized he was holding.

Holden nodded and walked over to the where the lake found the ground, taking a seat far away from anyone else and watching the water lapping at the pebbles several inches from his feet. He sighed, and checked his phone every few moments as minutes turned into an hour, Kate nowhere in sight when he bothered to turn around.

Soon, the music died down a bit and Holden knew that those who had drunk too much were beginning to regurgitate their beverages.

"Did you stake out the whole shore, or is there some space for company?"

Holden turned at the sound of the deep voice, and found Sean standing behind him, clutching a beer in his hand but nonetheless seeming completely sober as he looked down at the other boy.

"N-No, you can sit down." Holden replied, feeling his heart leaping to his throat and threatening to spill from his mouth.

Sean nodded and took a seat comfortably. Holden noted that he sat closer then he really needed to, but not enough for them to be touching.

"So what was that at lunch the other day?" Sean asked, as silence settled over their piece of the party.

"What do you mean?"  
"That crazy smile you gave me; what did it mean?"

Holden turned to look at Sean, who looked right back at him. Holden really wished he hadn't, because now his heart was ricocheting throughout the inside of chest, hindering any coherent thought as Holden looked into the other boy's eyes.

"You're…well, you're always staring at me." Holden replied. "So I decided to respond."

Sean chuckled, a deep sound from his chest that gave Holden chills. He took a sip of his beer, smiling.

"Look, Holden…man, I didn't think this would be so hard. Actually, I never thought I'd do anything about this."

"What?" Holden asked, confusion seeming to aid the process of conversation on his part.

"Some people I've talked to, well, they think you're…you know, that you like guys." Holden had to take a deep breath to keep from hyperventilating, but Sean was speaking again before he could reply. "Is that true?"

Holden was stuck in a very bad place; Kate was the only one that knew the truth about him, and here Sean was, outright asking him?

"Yeah, it's true." Holden said before he brain could even register what he was saying. He felt the aftereffects immediately, throat drying and eyes averting Sean's. There was silence, and then Sean spoke.

"Well…I think I do too."

Holden looked up at him immediately, but now Sean was gazing out at the lake, not wanting to make eye contact.

"At least…well, I like you."

Holden really couldn't believe what was happening. Sean sipped his beer, and then finally turned to look at him.

"Really?" Holden asked, knowing how ridiculous of a reply that was, but his brain just wasn't cooperating.

"Yeah, why else would I tell you something like that?" Sean asked, a bit incredulous.

"Well, sometimes jocks set up jokes and…I don't know, Sean, you're just…why me? I guess that's what I want to know."

"Why not?" He questioned in return. "You're hot as _hell_. Plus you're smart and nice and stuff. I don't know, I haven't really considered _why_ I like you; I'm still trying to grasp the fact that I like a guy. But…I want to try this; are you in for that?"

Sean's eyes looked simply too vulnerable at that moment, and Holden couldn't take it. Without thinking, he reached out and grasped the hand that Sean didn't have on his beer, the one resting on his raised knee, and took it in his own. Sean didn't even flinch, instead holding Holden's gaze in his, seeming to know the other boy's answer.

"We can't do anything here…how about we take a drive?" Sean asked, raising an eyebrow in question.

"That sounds good." Holden replied. Sean stood first and helping Holden up with his free hand, seeming to have an incredible amount of strength in just one arm.

The two boys discreetly left the party, Holden texting Kate that he was okay and would be back soon. His mind was spinning, his heart still performing all forms of acrobatics within his chest as he climbed into Sean's truck. He had no idea what to expect, and he didn't really care.


	2. Chapter 2

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Two

Man this week was busy! Sorry it took so long to update, and this will probably leave you unsatisfied, but I'm sorry! It was a great place to stop for me :). I'll try to update faster for the next chapter, and until then, I hope you enjoy this!

P.S. Go see Easy A; it's amazing :D

* * *

"So…" Holden began, speaking over the soft hum of a Top 40 song playing on the radio. They drove down a dirt road, slowly, lights as dim as Sean could make them. His truck was nice; a large black vehicle with nary a stain or scratch blemishing its surface.

"No one knows about me. I can't tell my parents, and I definitely can't tell any of the guys on the team. So if this develops into anything…"

"We can't be public; I get it. I understand." Holden replied, finishing Sean's thought for him.

"I just wanted to be upfront with you. You know, so if you want out, then now would be the time."

"My parents don't know either; the only person that knows is Kate."

"I figured; you two are pretty inseparable. All the guys always talk about what it would be like to get in her pants. Are you going to tell her about us?"

"It's a little fast to be saying _us_, isn't it? We haven't even been talking for half an hour." Holden replied, turning and attempting to catch Sean's eye, but just getting a side view of his face in the dim interior of the truck.

"Whatever, I mean me. I just don't want it getting around…"  
"I get that, but she's my best friend; she wouldn't tell."

"I just want to be sure." Sean said, turning toward Holden and stopping the truck, cutting the engine. They were parked in the middle of nowhere, and the intensity held within the football player's eyes could have set the woods ablaze.

"Okay…" Holden whispered, but then Sean was leaning over, and Holden realized that there hadn't been hostility in the other teenager's eyes. His lips were suddenly against Sean's, the larger boy's facial hair rubbing against Holden's face in a scratchy but welcoming way. His first kiss and it was unimaginable. Sean was pushing him back now, large hands splayed across Holden's back, guiding him down onto the roomy front seat of the truck.

Sean's hands toyed with the hem of Holden's button-up shirt, and Holden was clueless as to what to do, settling his hands upon Sean's chest, muscle tense beneath his fingers, through the t-shirt he wore. His mind was clouded with emotions he had yet to experience at such heights, and Sean was pulling at his shirt now, a hand finding its way along Holden's stomach.

"S-Stop…" Holden gasped, pulling away from Sean's lips, a difficult task considering how euphoric they made him feel. Sean looked disheveled, eyes half-lidded, panting. But he had stopped, one hand resting on Holden's back and one still beneath his shirt.

"What?" He asked, moving to recline on his elbows on the sparse cushion on either side of Holden's face.

"I…this is just moving really fast, and I just don't know how to take this." Holden replied, averting his gaze from Sean's eyes.

"What do you mean? I like you, I assumed you like me, especially by the way you were reciprocating just now…"

"Yeah, I do like you; I've liked you for a really long time, actually, which is why I don't want to just be a…a sex buddy for you."

"What, are you some kind of prude?" Sean questioned, raising an eyebrow. His tone was serious; he wasn't mocking him.

Holden looked away, eyes focusing on a string that sprouted from the cushioned back of the seat he was lying on. "No, but this is the first conversation I think we've ever had. I'm not ready to have sex, much less in a vehicle…"

Sean sat up abruptly, not looking at Holden.

"What? What's wrong with you?" Holden questioned, sitting up as well.

"I just…we should just get back to the party." Sean replied, detached.

"What, is that all you wanted; sex?"

Sean didn't respond, turning the key in the ignition and starting the truck, driving swiftly back to the party. They didn't speak, Holden completely confused as to what had just taken place.

* * *

No one was at the party when Sean reached the destination, so they both just sat there, neither sure what to say.

"Can you take me home?" Holden asked, attempting to break the silence.

"Yeah." Sean answered simply.

He wasted no time, driving well over the speed limit the entire way. Finally, they reached Holden's house, but he just sat there, wondering how what had begun as the night that his entire youth had craved had become the post-breakup silence he believed only existed within the realm of the Molly Ringwald and Reese Witherspoon universe, where love bound two people eternally past the end credits. He turned to Sean, not really feeling so much heartbroken as just awkward.

"I guess I'll see you at school?" Holden proposed.

Sean shrugged, arm thrown over the steering wheel in a way that would have made him look ridiculously hot if not for the circumstance. Holden sighed and opened the door, getting out of the truck. He turned to look back at Sean, but the football player was already shoving the vehicle into drive and stomping upon the gas.

Holden just stood there in front of his house, the dim street lights illuminating the lonely figure on the sidewalk; had he really already been broken up with after an hour-long date?


	3. Chapter 3

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Three

This was a rather difficult chapter for me to get right; I hope it turned out well, and I hope to get to hear what you all think!

* * *

Holden sighed as he shoved the door of his car shut, heading toward the entrance of the high school as morning led the sun to a peak in the sky. He had spent much of Sunday dwelling upon the events of the previous night, and how Sean had acted. His guarded, cold behavior had come out of nowhere, and without his phone number, Holden had no way of questioning him. He wasn't even sure that he should get to question the other boy; after all, their first conversation had consisted of a short make out session followed by Sean pulling away and wanting practically nothing to do with him.

Regardless, he entered the school hoping both that he would not see Sean and that Sean would in some way speak to him.

"So…where did you go during the last half of the party?"

"It doesn't matter." Holden replied, pulling a textbook from the confines of his spacious locker; senior year had proven to be light on cargo. Kate stood, leaning against the locker beside his, an eyebrow raised in question, unsatisfied with his response. "Honestly, Kate, it _really_ doesn't matter." He continued, and then closed his locker, walking down the hallway.

She didn't follow him; it was currently study hall, a period that lasted half an hour between the last two classes of the day. Holden's hope of ever having a conversation with Sean Jackson was fading, his heart feeling more like a weight in his chest. Then, as he passed a small storage closet, a hand tightened and his arm and he was pulled into a dark expanse in which he could barely make out anything.

"Hey."

He recognized the voice immediately; Sean, who was gripping his forearms tightly, attempting to make out his face with as much difficulty as Holden was having.

"What do you want, Sean?" Holden asked, the textbook gripped tightly against his chest. His heart raced now, feeling weightless. He attempted to saturate his tone in as much annoyance as possible, but feared that he was unsuccessful.

"I wanted to talk to you about the other night; look, I'm really sorry."

"What?" Holden breathed, following a long pause. This wasn't what he was expecting from a boy that he was sure had enough pride to fuel a political campaign.

"I wasn't lying when I said I like you, Holden; I do. I, well, I like you a lot. And that's kind of what threw me off the other night. I had you down, was planning on doing all sorts of things with you, and then you just pushed me away. It made me think about myself, and whether I'm even _ready_ to be with you. I've never wanted a girl as bad as I wanted you that night, and it kind of freaked me out."  
"So, what, you're saying you can't _handle_ being with me?" Holden questioned, raising an eyebrow unconsciously.

Sean shook his head, an action Holden barely saw in the dark. "I'm saying that that was why I acted the way I did; I just got to thinking about you and me and how I should deal with these feelings. I don't like playing games; I'm trying to tell you that I wasn't meaning to give you mixed signals."

Holden became hyperaware of Sean's hands now, running along his forearms in an unsure manner, concerned by Holden's immediate lack of response.

"So what does that mean for you and me?" Holden finally managed to respond, trying his best to keep his voice steady.

"It means that I really want to…date you, I guess?" Sean replied in question.

Holden nodded. "Yeah, I guess that is what it's called."  
He could sense Sean's smile spreading wide across his face. "Alright; so do you want to go out with me Saturday night, Holden Wilson?"

Holden couldn't help but return the smile. "Yeah, that sounds great."

The rest of the week Holden spent feeling more sexual tension that he believed was possible. Every day at lunch, he felt Sean's eyes on him, and when he returned his gaze, if only briefly, Sean didn't even attempt to seem as though he hadn't been staring, which left Holden's cheeks stained red. When they passed in the hallway, Sean didn't bother to move, instead slowing so that when their shoulders collided it was a soft bump instead of a harsh crash. This didn't keep Kate from muttering about how rude people were in the hallways, but Holden ignored her, feeling that it was best to leave his closest friend in the dark.

Then, Friday came. It was a game night, so all of the football players wore their jerseys proudly through the halls. Holden couldn't help but consider how hot Sean looked in his, the number '42' emblazoned upon the front and back in white, against the red fabric. Sean offered him a cocky grin, one Holden at once found insufferable and adorable at the same time.

Holden decided, upon careful consideration following their encounter on Monday, that he should probably attend the game that night. It was at the high school, and he didn't have anything else especially pressing to do, so he only saw fit that he should support the other boy in some manner. He had never been to a football game, and so he stopped by Ms. Albart's room to buy a Pep Club t-shirt in support of the football team.

"You're _really_ going to the game tonight?" Kate questioned, and Holden could see the incredulity spread wide across her face without even turning from his locker.

"Yeah; I figure it's our senior year, and I might as well go to at least one football game before it's over. Will you go with me?"  
"Not that I would if I could, but I have to work tonight; looks like you're on your own with this one." She replied, turning to her own locker, beside Holden's, and grabbing a book to push into her bag. Holden couldn't help but get nervous at the thought of attending the game alone, but his mind quickly manipulated the situation; he would simply ask someone else to go. He _did_ have other friends besides Kate, after all.

"No problem; I'll just ask Julia to go with me."

Julia was one of Holden's close friends, president of Future Teachers of America and an advent student teacher at the elementary. In fact, the only time Holden really got to talk to her now was during lunch.

Kate shrugged, "Okay; I still think it's weird that you're going, but have fun. I'll talk to you soon." She walked off, and Holden spotted Julia at her locker a few feet away. He strode over to the girl, one that he was sure many of the football players considered sleeping with.

"Hey, Julia, I was just wondering if you had any plans tonight."

She turned to him, granting him a smile that immediately lifted his mood. "No; why do you ask?"

"I was wondering if you would want to come to the football game with me. I've never been and Kate has to work, so I was looking for someone to join me."

Julia shrugged, closing her locker as she pushed one final book into her oversized purse. "Yeah, sure; I've never been before either."

Holden smiled. "Alright, good; I'll see you there at seven?"

She nodded, and they walked toward their cars together.

* * *

P.S. Julia is Jennifer Garner in the movie. I know there were a lot of characters in the film, so it's hard to keep them all straight.


	4. Chapter 4

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Four

Man, this is a long chapter! I wasn't really sure how to fit everything necessary into a flowing plot, so I hope I got everything right! Here is a character/actor list at the bottom if you've forgotten any of the characters from the movie (there were a TON of them).

Jennifer Garner - Julia

Ashton Kutcher - Reed

Jamie Foxx - Kelvin

Jessica Biel - Kara

Jessica Alba - Morley

Anway, thanks for all of your reviews, and I hope this chapter lives up to what you were hoping :)

* * *

Holden was beginning to have second thoughts as he pulled into the parking lot of the school, finding no empty spots with which to park his vehicle. Julia drove a bright red sports car, one that he couldn't spot amongst the field of cars before him, so he settled on parking haphazardly in the ditch. He cut the engine and grabbed his phone from the cup holder, calling her. One ring and she answered with a bright hello.

"Hey, are you here?" He asked, eyeing the red Pep Club shirt that was pulled nicely against the muscle on his chest and stomach. He looked pretty good if he was to allow himself an arrogant thought, thanking God that he had gone to the gym between school and the game.

"I'm pulling in right now; good lord, where did you park at, there are no free spots!"

"I'm over in the ditch, my car probably looks like it's gonna tip over." Holden replied.

"Oh, I see you! I'm park on the other side of the street." She replied, hanging up. Sure enough, Holden saw her car pass him and the pull into the ditch across the street, beside the vacant park. Everyone in town was at this football game. Julia got out of her car and looked beautiful, dressed simply in her own Pep Club shirt, but was accented by a silver necklace, a light pair of jeans and earrings with small diamonds at their center.

"We better get in there and get a good seat!" She said loudly from across the road, hurrying to cross over and wearing her usual smile. The girl was infectiously happy, something Holden was grateful for.

"Well then let's go." Holden said, returning the smile and leading the way toward the gate.

* * *

The stadium was packed, all except for the student section, where there were still several open places. Teenagers were doused in body paint, every one of them garbed in a Pep Club shirt, whether in its original condition or not. Holden guided Julia toward a spot open for two on the second row, where they stood. The game had just begun, and Holden had no idea what was going on.

"Do you watch any football?" He asked.

"No, I never have before," Julia replied, turning to him with a smile, "I just thought it might be fun to go to a game."

Holden grinned, feeling connected by their shared sentiment, despite his deeper intentions. Regardless, he kept an eye out for Sean, whose number he couldn't make out throughout the line of teenagers in front of them, leaning on the railing, obscuring his view. Half of first quarter passed, and Holden was becoming a bit frustrated by the inability to spot the entire purpose for his attendance.

Then, out of nowhere, one of the girls on the front row darted down the stairs beside them and practically buried her face in the trash can, heaving up some concession stand ilk that Holden refused to touch. A boy was beside her in seconds, tearing himself away from the game the way a good boyfriend would.

After a few moments, both teens left, and Holden nudged Julia, but she was already stepping over the seats in front of them and into the two newly available spots. Holden smiled and hurried to stand beside her, briefly wondering why he had not cultivated this friendship more thoroughly in the past.

"Well look at this; I would never expect to see you two at an actual football game!" Holden turned to find Kelvin Moore standing behind them, camera in hand. "Let me get a picture of you two for the yearbook!"

Holden sighed, turning to Julia, who shrugged. "Why not?" She replied, and weaved her arm around Holden's shoulders, Holden doing the same and following it with as bright a smile as he could manage considering that much of the student section was now watching them. Kelvin flashed the picture, then another, and let his camera settle on its band around his neck.

"It's nice to see you two supporting the team! I might bring Kara by to get an interview for the paper; people are going to want answers for why you guys are here." He replied, and then he was darting off, no doubt to take some more pictures.

Holden sighed; Kara was the editor-in-chief of the school paper, and while he was friends with her, he would rather that be put on display on the front page. It was the only paper any kid in the town actually read.

"Why _are_ you two here?"

Holden turned to the voice beside him, realizing it was Reed Bennett. They had shared several classes together, and Reed had always been friendly; he was one of the most popular guys in school, a non-sports player who made up for it socially but being president of Earth Club, Key Club, and National Honor Society.

"We both thought we should go to football game before the end of our senior year." Julia replied for him, and Holden nodded in agreement. The answer seemed to be sufficient for Reed, who nodded, smiled, and turned back to the game.

"Just let me know if you two need any help figuring out what's going on." He answered, not taking his eyes from the game but smiling in a way that let Holden know that he was joking.

Holden turned to the game, finally able to actually watch it without interruption, only to find half-time beginning. He had gone the entire first half of the game without even getting to see Sean. Regardless, this allowed him a chance to talk to people he actually enjoyed talking to.

"So, are you guys…you know?" Reed asked, turning to them and resting his elbow on the railing casually.

"What? No, just friends." Holden replied, not realizing that this was what many of the students might be drawing from their appearance here together.  
"Oh, alright." Reed replied, shrugging it off.

"Holden, Julia, do have a moment?" Sure enough, there was Kara as Holden turned to see who had been speaking. She held a large notepad against her, pen in hand. "I wanted to speak to you two about what made you two want to show up tonight."  
"It's pretty simple Kara; they've never been to a game before and they decided to be spontaneous and show up. And no, they aren't dating." Reed said roughly to the girl.

"Oh…" Kara replied softly, a bit taken aback by the boy's tone and knowing not to get in the bad graces of someone of Reed's status. "Alright, I guess I'll just see you guys later."

"See you, Kara." Julia replied as she walked away, seeming to attempt a bit of friendliness in her tone.

"Thanks for that." Holden replied to Reed, who was eyeing the marching band on the field absentmindedly.

"No problem; it drives me crazy when the people from the newspaper try and get a story from people who obviously don't want their words twisted around. If they want to make something out of nothing, they should start with the burnouts; at least they deserve to have their social lives destroyed."  
"That's a bit dramatic, don't you think?" Julia questioned, looking at Reed with a raised eyebrow.

"The school newspaper is nothing but a gossip rag, and the popular kids squeeze every bit of drama out of it that they can. Trust me, a few twisted words in there about you two and Julia, you would be carrying Holden's twins by Monday."

Holden snorted despite himself, and then caught a glance at the keys that Reed twirled on his finger.

"Do you go to Grizzly gym?" Holden asked.

Reed nodded, turning to him. "Yeah, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday; do you go too?"

"Yeah; Sundays, Tuesdays and either Thursday or Friday."

"Wow, I'm surprised we haven't seen each other there before. We should go together sometime."

Holden nodded. "Yeah, sounds good."

Then, the game was starting up again. Holden checked the score board; they were ahead by eight points. He spotted Sean, walking out onto the field, that '42' working as a GPS for Holden. Sean turned, one of the coaches seeming to be speaking to him, and when he nodded he absentmindedly looked up toward the student section. Then, he just stared, and Holden knew he was looking at him. Holden smiled as big as he could, and then Sean turned, hurrying toward his position on the field.

* * *

Football was pretty brutal; Sean was thrown around quite a bit, especially when he had the ball. Reed explained patterns and the purpose of each player's position. Holden bit his lip as the opposing team tied the score and then scored an extra touchdown moving into fourth quarter, now winning.

By mid-fourth quarter, Holden was cheering wildly with everyone else in the stadium, finally understanding what was happening on the field. The home team scored, tying the game with a few minutes left. Then, in the last minute, the home team scored, leading them to a victory amongst overwhelming cheers.

It was several minutes before people began to disperse, many remaining to talk. Julia said that she was going to head home; she had gotten a text from her mom that she needed the car, because Julia's mother had apparently wrecked her's. Holden said goodbye to both her and Reed, who said that he would text him about going to the gym.

* * *

Then, Holden checked his phone. He had a new message from Sean (they had exchanged numbers before leaving the janitor's closet Monday), telling himself to meet him at his truck behind the locker room. He explained that everyone would be going to the other parking lot; Morley Clarkson was having a party at her house, and all the players were carpooling.

So Holden walked over to the parking lot, which was deserted of all people. He made his way to Sean's truck, leaning against it and looking for the boy. It was incredibly dark, no street lights close by to illuminate other figures. He could feel his heart pumping madly in his chest, his hands buried in the pockets of his khaki shorts as he searched for Sean despite his inability to see further then a few inches.

He nearly passed out when he felt a firm hand on his shoulder, but then he heard a voice in his ear.

"I didn't think you liked football." Sean whispered, and Holden turned to find the larger boy dressed in a tight white shirt and red shorts, sweaty to a point that Holden had never before been.

"Well, I didn't exactly know what was going on most of the time, but Reed helped me figure it out."

"You aren't ditching me for someone else _already_ are you?" Sean asked, turning so that Holden was pressed against the side of Sean's truck, the football player's hands resting on either side of the vehicle, trapping Holden as he drew nearer.

"You obviously haven't looked in a mirror in a while…" Holden replied, reaching out boldly and running his fingers along Sean's jaw, "…or else you would have shaved by now."

Sean laughed, and it warmed Holden's chest with its deep force. Then, Holden felt their noses touching, and Sean's breath was shared with him. The other boy smelled, but it was a strong musky scent that flooded Holden's brain and threatened to devour his senses.

"You look hot in red." Sean stated, and Holden could feel the smile on his lips. Holden's hands went to Sean's back, running up the shirt and along his back, unable to gain a hold of reality as he pulled Sean the final breadth forward, pressing their lips together. Sean's hands were gripping Holden's face immediately, then his waist and pressing their bodies as close as possible. Holden could barely stand, knowing he would collapse if he wasn't pressed so firmly between the boy and his vehicle.

Then, there was a flash of light and they were torn apart immediately, Sean seeming to realize what was occurring before Holden did. Holden turned, and found Kelvin standing there with his camera up, a look split between joy and confusion spread across his face.

"Sorry guys, but when I give this to Kara, it's gonna be on the cover of the newspaper and I'm finally going to get the sports journalist spot that I've been trying to get since I was a freshman!"

"Give me that camera."

Holden turned to the voice just as his brain went numb from the situation. Reed tore the camera from around Kelvin's neck before the boy could object. After a few moments of pressing buttons, he handed back to Kelvin, who didn't dare try to stop him.

"There you go; the picture's gone, and if you breathe a word of this, I'll make sure you're high school life is dead and buried in less then twenty-four hours. Now get the hell out of here."

Kelvin nodded, and then he wondered off, heading back to the game. Silence filled the space between the three boys, and then Reed spoke.

"My uncle's gay, and I have a lesbian cousin. Your people get so much crap and neither of you two deserves to be outed by the school paper."

"Thanks, Reed, you have no idea…" Holden began.

"No, seriously, no big deal; you're a cool guy Holden. I'll text you about going to the gym sometime this week."  
Holden nodded, and then Reed was walking across the parking lot to his car. Holden turned to Sean, who was just looking absentmindedly forward.

"Sean…" Holden whispered, not sure what to say, considering the gravity of the situation and what could have been the outcome.

"I need to get home; I'll talk to you tomorrow, Holden." Sean replied, turning to him and attempting to offer some sort of condoling expression but seeming unable to manage it.

"Are we still on for tomorrow?" Holden asked desperately needing some sort of emotion to be expressed by the other boy.

"I'll…I'll talk to you tomorrow, Holden." Sean replied, getting in his truck.

Holden began the walk back to his car as Sean drove out of the parking lot, the sensation of the other boy's fingers still warm against his skin.


	5. Chapter 5

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Five

Man, sorry it took so long to update! I was planning on doing this early in the day, but time got away from me; I only had about forty minutes today that weren't occupied by stuff I had to get done! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this; I am still very pissed at Eric Dane's character after this week's Grey's Anatomy, so I tried not to let that carry over to this :)

* * *

Holden awoke Saturday morning feeling a bit sick. He had been able to stifle his frustration with Sean by delving deep into a pint of Ben and Jerry's, which had been awaiting him at home. Now, he was feeling the effects, stomach turning a bit from the rush of sugar that it had received. He lay in bed for a long time, just thinking about the previous night. Even now, Sean's hands felt only momentarily gone from his body. He wasn't sure whether or not he should make the first move; recalling the expression upon Sean's face the previous night, he decided on waiting for the other boy.

* * *

The day was spending in anxiety. Holden watched television, spent some time on Facebook, did his homework, returned to the television, and still was unsure of what to do about Sean. Finally, as Holden finished his dinner with his parents, he heard his phone ringing, set to the song that he had picked especially for the other boy. He rushed over to it, answering in a hurry as he stumbled over a chair.

"Hey." He said, winded.

"Hey; you okay? You sound kind of out of breath." Sean said from the other line.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine; I should be asking you that." Holden replied, walking over to the laundry room and shutting the door, thankful for the machine's loud cycle.

"Look, I'm sorry I kind of freaked out last night; it just…well, I saw my whole life sort of flash before my eyes, you know?" Holden nodded, but then verbally agreed when he realized Sean couldn't see him. "We're just going to have to be a lot more careful from now on."

"Yeah, I know; I guess we can't be all over each other in public anymore, no matter how hidden we think we are." Holden replied, hopping up onto the dryer and taking a seat.

"I still want to do something tonight though." Sean added a bit hesitantly, and Holden was immediately hanging on his words.

"Yeah that sounds great! What time?" Holden asked.

"I don't know; how about I pick you up at eight?" Sean proposed.

"Sounds great, but do you know where I live?" Holden asked, checking the clock on the wall, which read 6:45.

"I have a GPS in my truck, so I just need your address."

After Holden told Sean the address, they hung up with a simple goodbye, Holden's heart beating just a bit quicker in his chest now as he headed back into the kitchen, where his parents were cleaning up.

"Man, son that must have been someone pretty important on the phone for you to leap over there like that." His dad said as he placed a dish on the drying rack.

"It was just a friend; is it okay if I go out tonight?" He asked, turning to acknowledge his mom, standing over the sink.

"Yeah, that's fine honey; what time are you going to leave?"

"Eight." He replied.

"Do we know this friend?" His dad asked.

"No, just someone I started hanging out with this year.

"Oh; well I hope their not a bad influence. You better not be doing drugs." His mom said, turning toward him with a raised eyebrow.

Holden smiled despite himself. "You don't have anything to worry about, Mom."

He dressed as quickly yet as diligently as he could, pulling on his favorite khaki shorts and a white shirt that hugged him in the best ways. It was 7:45 by the time he headed back stairs to wait on Sean, sitting down in the living room and looking out the window in anticipation.

* * *

By 8:05, Sean's truck came driving up the hill toward Holden's house. Within seconds, Holden was on his feet, yanking his shoes on like he had just learned how to.

"Be home by one!" His mom called from the family room, where his parents sat watching television.

"I will!" Holden replied, pulling the door open and hurrying out, only to realize that it would be best if he could collect himself before seeing Sean.

The boy in thought was sitting in his truck, which was pulled in front of the garage. Of course, Sean looked incredibly sexy, bright grin on his face as Holden rounded the side of the house and came into view. Just the way Sean looked at him made Holden's stomach turn, and as he climbed into the passenger's seat, he felt his tongue against the roof of his mouth, dry.

"Hey." Sean said, turning and granting him a smile from even nearer before putting his truck in reverse and pulling out of the driveway.

"Hey." Holden replied, not sure how else to respond as they began the drive away from his house.

* * *

"So…what are we going to do?" Holden asked as they drove along, into the town near his house.

"I realized on the way over to your house that we don't really know anything about each other, so I figured we could just kind of sit and talk. I know this place where no one is going to interrupt us." Sean replied, keeping his eyes on the road.

"Sounds good." Holden replied a bit awkwardly, turning back toward the road, gaze having been upon the side of Sean's face.

* * *

The place that Sean had been talking about was in fact a place where no one would find them. Past the town park, they drove down a narrow road and to a dead end, the road halting in front of a thick forest. Sean cut the engine, rolling the windows down a bit so that the cool air outside could circulate throughout the vehicle.

"Well, what are we gonna talk about?" Holden asked as Sean unfastened his seat belt, turning in his seat so that they could face one another.

Sean shrugged. "I don't know; whatever you want to talk about. It's not like anyone is gonna hear us."

Holden leaned back against the door frame, back of his head resting against the cool glass as he considered his words. "Do any of the other football players like…you know, guys?"

Sean shrugged. "It's not something we talk about. I mean, I'm tight with most of them, but we aren't like you and Kate; we don't really talk about what's going through our heads, unless it involves a vagina."

"All football players can't be like that can they?" Holden questioned, attempting to think the better of the team.

"All _guys_ think like that. At least all the straight ones." Sean replied, an almost grim smile threatening to draw his lips tight.

"I don't think so; I think there are some good straight guys out there." Holden replied.

Sean shrugged again. "I haven't met one, but I don't really hang out with any that might be."

Silence ensued, and Holden felt the awkwardness sinking in.

"We aren't going to be one of those couples are we?" Holden asked out of nowhere, desperate for conversation.

"What do you mean?" Sean returned, eyes narrowing a bit in question.

"One that only has a physical relationship, that can't talk unless it's about how hot they both are."

"That's a bit arrogant, don't you think?" Sean asked, grinning.

"Whatever, you know what I mean." Holden replied, unable to bite back a bit of a smile in return.

"Yeah, I get it; no, I don't think that's going to be us. I mean, we aren't even really a couple yet, are we?"

It was Holden's turn to shrug. "I don't know; I mean, I've never had a boyfriend, so I'm not sure how this works."

"Well I'm sure it's just like a boy and girl. Right now, we're in the 'talking' phase." Sean replied.

"Okay; then let's talk." Holden said.

"You said that earlier, but I don't see you coming up with much." Sean quipped, the smile still spread across his face.

"Fine, I'll ask you a bunch of questions, and you answer." Holden replied.

"Alright, let's go." Sean answered, leaning more fully against the window as Holden leaned forward.

"Favorite movie?"

"Fight Club."

"Favorite T.V. show?"

"Supernatural."

"Favorite book?"

"Harry Potter."

"Seriously? I am a crazy Harry Potter nerd!" Holden exclaimed, leaning in even closer, unable to control his excitement. "Which one's your favorite?"

"Goblet of Fire." Sean replied, smiling at the ecstatic boy in front of him.

"Me too!" Holden exclaimed, leaning even closer still, until he toppled over, landing in Sean's lap with a grunt.

Sean's hands came to grip Holden's forearms, and Holden tilted his head up from where it was buried in Sean's chest, looking up into the football player's intense eyes. Sean's hands moved up to Holden's face, callused fingers burning their sensation into his skin.

Sean was kissing him before he even realized it was coming, the larger boy leaning down, moving his body so that he could reach Holden's lips. Holden kicked himself up, hands going around Sean's neck so that their lips met more precisely, neither of them able to get enough of the other as they pressed themselves so firmly against one another.

Finally, Holden pulled away, breathing heavy.

"If I had realized Harry Potter turned you on so much, I would have mentioned it sooner." Sean replied, smiling with a chuckle.

"No, no; no making out! We need to talk." Holden replied, pulling away and attempting to get into a sitting position.

"Hey, just because we're talking doesn't mean we can't be comfortable." Sean said, reaching out for Holden's hands to pull him forward.

"No; if I touch you, I'm just going to want to make out with you, Sean Jackson, and then I'm going to want to do many other things as well."

Sean sighed, leaning back in mock frustration as Holden got comfortable at the opposite side of the truck before continuing with the questions.

"Favorite singer?"

"John Mayer."

"Favorite band?"

"Isn't that kind of the same thing?"

"No, completely different."

"Ugh, fine; Coldplay."

"Favorite food?"

"Macaroni and cheese."

"Favorite animal?"

"I don't know, I haven't really thought about that."

"Come on, there's got to be one animal you like more then any others."

"I don't know, I guess a rhinoceros."

"Really?"

"Yeah, why?""I don't know, just curious."

A dozen more questions, and then Holden was finally done, mentally evaluating all of the responses he had gotten.

"So now it's my turn." Sean replied.

"Yeah, I guess so." Holden said, a bit nervous now. "But you can't judge."

"Alright, but you have to lean against me." Sean replied, reaching out a hand in offering.

Holden sighed. "You really test my self-control, Sean Jackson."

"If we have sex, you're not gonna call me that, are you?" He asked, as Holden took his hand and allowed himself to be nestled deeply against the other boy's chest.

"Of course not." He replied with a deep blush, unseen by the football player.

"Alright; favorite movie?"

"This is so embarrassing."

"Yeah right, if you can't tell me, who _can _you tell?"

"Kate."

"Well why don't you just go down on her, then?"

"Fine, Mean Girls."

"What?"

"That's my favorite movie."

"Oh…alright, favorite T.V. show?"

"Seriously? That question sucks."

"Hey, you asked me the same thing."

"Gossip Girl."

"That's no big deal; favorite singer?"

"Kelly Clarkson."

"Favorite band?"

"The Veronicas."

"Who?"

"They're Australian."

"Oh…alright. Favorite food?"

"Ice cream; I alternate between peanut butter and cake batter."

"Man that sounds good right now."

"I know, right?"

Sean continued pouring questions upon Holden, and when he finally stopped, Holden's fingers had begun to rub gentle circles upon Sean's arm, the hair parting for them.

"What time is it?" Holden asked.

"I don't know; what, are you ready to go home already?" Sean asked.

"No; I actually don't know if I ever want to leave."

"Good; me either."

"What did you tell you're parents?"

"I told them we were going out. They assumed I meant as friends. You?"

"I told them I was gonna hang out with a new friend. They told me not to do drugs."

"Sounds like good parenting."

"Hey, I love them, don't be mean."

"I was being serious."

"Oh…" Holden whispered as Sean buried his face in his hair.

"Do you like girls?" Holden asked, verbalizing the first question that had entered his mind.

"No, I don't think I ever have. I dated them because it was what was expected, but it never really felt right. I would ask you, but I think I know the answer."

"What, do I just ooze gayness?"

"No; I just know you've never dated a girl, and it would be really easy for you to. You're pretty frigging hot."

"Thanks." Holden replied, cheeks flaring up again.

They sat there like that for a long time, neither one of them speaking, but this time sitting in comfortable silence.

"I really want to kiss you again." Holden said.

"Sounds good to me." Sean replied, and allowed Holden to turn in his arms, pressing their lips gently together, setting fire to both their senses as Sean's hands found their way against Holden's hips.


	6. Chapter 6

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Six

Sorry this chapter is sort of an in-between one due to an incredibly hectic week; I'll attempt to promise that the next one is more detailed and just all around better at flowing the plot! Regardless, thanks for sticking in there, and I hope that this chapter is still kind of good :)

* * *

Holden wondered why Sean wouldn't look at him. Every day at lunch, he always looked at him, but today he wasn't. Sean was speaking to some other jocks about who knows what, which is what he usually did, but always with an eye turned toward Holden. Of course, it was shaping up to be an odd day; everywhere he walked, people seemed to look at him, some just glancing for a bit too long while others outright stared. Kate seemed perplexed as to why this was happening, so Holden played it off that he was having an especially good clothing day.

However, this was just strange. Lunch came and passed and Sean didn't look at him once; it wasn't until the bell rang that Sean texted Holden to meet him in the janitor's closet during study hall.

* * *

"What the hell is going on?" Holden asked as Sean's dark figure joined him in the cramped space.

"People are talking. I've heard from several people that they saw you making out with a guy after the football game. I questioned Kelvin about it during 4th hour but he swore that he didn't tell anybody, and knowing him, he was telling the truth. I don't know how it happened, but for right now we can't be seen together."

Holden immediately felt dizzy, and Sean's hands briefly dusted against his arms before pulling away, the larger boy seeming to think better of the endearment. He didn't know what to think or do; the rumors had been going around for years that he was gay, but this was completely different. This was proof.

"What are you thinking?" Sean asked.

"I…don't know." Holden replied.

"I'm gonna go; if you need anything, text me."

Then he was gone, disappearing back into the hallway.

* * *

The week passed in a blur of introspection and fear; Holden was just waiting for someone to say something. He almost wished they would, just so he could defend himself. It made him even madder that no one seemed to even doubt that he had done it; he had thought that he was at least kind of popular, but it seemed as though his reputation meant nothing.

Finally, Friday came like a welcoming friend, promising a whole two days without any staring or talking behind his back. It was when he was walking out to his car that sometimes besides Kate spoke.

"Hey, Holden."

He turned, and found Reed standing, waiting.

"Hey, Reed, sorry for not getting back to you about the gym; it's kind of been a crazy week."

"Yeah I understand; I mean, I was the one who started it."  
"Started what?" Holden asked, feeling his stomach turn, knowing what Reed was talking about but too stunned to believe it.

"I told everyone that you were making out with some guy after the game."

"W-Why…" He choked on his own words, "why would you do that?"

Reed shrugged. "I don't know; I like you, but Sean rubs me the wrong way. You need to get with someone better then him. I figured the best way to do that would be to make you into his personal plague."

"But…"

"But what, Holden? I'm the one in control here. Sean's a douche; do you know how many girls he's slept with? Do you even understand that you can do better? I'm just looking out for you, man."

Holden felt twisted into a broken reality; was Reed his friend? If he was, then he certainly wasn't Sean's.

"I just thought I'd tell you; figured you would want to know that no one's out to get you. I'll clear it up on Monday that it was someone else that I saw, and I'll tell everyone I saw you on a date with a really hot girl over the weekend. Everyone will believe me, and Sean will be too freaked out to be with you. He'll go back to dating those slutty girls and you can move on to guys worth your time."

This wasn't a proposal; this was a decision. Reed was telling him how he was going to live. Holden just sort of nodded, not sure if he even managed doing that much. Reed gave him a smile, one that was both taunting and welcoming at once. Holden wondered if this was even him, and if this was his life playing out before him. He wanted to punch Reed, wanted to punch him until his own fists bled. And he wanted to go to Sean and tell him everything was okay, and that they could be together. But could they really? Now, with the rumors circulating, the damage was done. Would Sean take him back? One week; they had been given one week of happiness, and now it was all over.

* * *

Holden awoke to find his mom knocking on his door, questioning his current state and whether or not he needed to go to the doctor. Holden managed a fairly convincing yes, and she left. Rolling over, he checked his phone and realized that it was nearly noon. He rarely slept until eight on the weekends, much less twelve. He sat up, rubbing his eyes and recalling the half gallon of ice cream he had devoured the night before while burying himself in his sheets with several hours of scripted dramas that had occupied his DVR. The contents of his sin were left in his trash can, and he felt his stomach roll a bit in disagreement.

He crawled out of bed regardless, managing to pull on a plain t-shirt and shorts, realizing that he would need to spend at least an hour in the gym today to remove a bit of the fat that had undoubtedly made its way along his abs.

Holden spent the entire day exercising or driving while screaming to the lyrics of a heartbroken Christina Aguilera. During the night hours, he retreated back to his bed with his television, falling asleep a mere twelve hours after he had awoken. He didn't think of Sean, or at least tried not to fully conjure thoughts of the boy within his mind, instead settling on trying to evade the more blunt imagery his brain seemed so content upon forcing him to endure.

Sunday was even worse; with church being the only activity all day, Holden was left to occupy his time with even more television (the DVR hours seemed endless) as well as a few romantic comedies that were just unfair, ripping bits of his heart apart with each final scene. Then, his phone was blasting the familiar song that he had set for his mom. His room was upstairs, so over the years they had both found it more convenient for her to call him rather then yelling up the stairs.

"There's a large truck in the driveway; I think it's that new friend of yours." She said.

Holden didn't reply, throwing his door open and hurrying down the stairs, nearly falling as he reached the hardwood at the bottom.

"Are you going somewhere?" His mom asked curiously, eyeing his garb of sweats and a plain t-shirt.

"Yeah, I think so; I'll be back soon." Holden replied, turning to her and flashing a smile while still attempting to mask the excitement of just knowing Sean was waiting in the driveway.

He tried not to slam the door on his way out, and then full-out sprinted around the corner to the driveway until he came to a complete stop. That wasn't Sean's truck, and it wasn't Sean in the driver's seat. Harrison Copeland, Sean's best friend, was there, seated with a twisted sort of expression on his face, seeming torn between whether or not he should be there at that moment. Then, he spotted Holden and motioned for him to approach, not even bothering to cut the engine. Holden obliged, walking over to the driver's side window, which was rolled down.

"We need to talk," He said, "about Sean."

Holden nodded without really thinking, and was walking over to the passenger's side before his mind was fully committed to his actions. He took a seat, and Harrison put the vehicle in reverse, pulling out of Holden's driveway.

* * *

P.S. Harrison is Patrick Dempsey in the film.


	7. Chapter 7

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Seven

This chapter is really dialogue heavy, so I hope it still flows well. Trust me, there won't be so much relationship drama in the future, so I'm sorry if that's kind of off-putting right now. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter, and please let me know what you think :)

* * *

They parked on the side of the road, a back road that didn't look as though it saw more then one or two vehicles a day tread down its path. Harrison hadn't spoken for the entire trip, which didn't really surprise Holden. Harrison didn't play sports, instead opting for clubs and such, known mostly as the resident man-whore of the high school; if there was a pretty girl, it was almost certain that he had slept with her. Holden rarely saw him, and when he did it always seemed a bit uncomfortable for him.

"Look, I've talked to maybe once or twice, Holden, so I don't really know what's going through your head…" Harrison turned more in his seat, facing the other boy, "but Sean is kind of going crazy. He's always on edge; most people might not see it, but I know him front and backwards, and you're on his mind all the time. It's kind of disgusting, and really pathetic."  
"Well he's the one that doesn't want to talk to me; I've been going crazy too." Holden replied, a bit perturbed that Sean had told someone about them when he had believed they had a firm agreement against it.

"He wants to, trust me. He just doesn't know how to. I'm actually really surprised that he's been as open with you as he seems to be. Sean is usually really closed off; I suppose that it's all or nothing with him, and he was the former with you."

"Why doesn't he just text me or something then? I've been miserable for the past week; the least he can do is put my mind at ease." Holden was leaning against the side door now, finding it difficult to look directly into Harrison's deep gaze and settling instead upon the dashboard.

"He _can't_; it's just the way he is, Holden. You need to make the first move, or else both of you are just going to go on being all pathetic and lonely."

"So what, just call him? What if he doesn't want to talk to me?"  
"Don't be a girl; just call him, it's no big deal. He wants to talk to you, trust me."

Holden sighed, readjusting himself in his seat. "Did you know about Sean…"

"I've known Sean was into guys for a couple years," Harrison said, cutting him off, "I come from a pretty liberal family, so I didn't think it was any big deal. Still, I don't want to see him getting hurt; he's my boy. So don't go breaking his heart."

It was then that Harrison started the engine, and they were returning to Holden's house.

* * *

He scrolled down to Sean's number nervously, becoming unsure as his finger guided the list of contacts toward the other boy's name. Then, he was there, and with a quick breath he pressed 'call'. The dial tone sounded once, then twice, and then…

"Hello?"

Holden coughed suddenly, choked by the catching of his breath, unable to reply.

"Hello?" Sean asked again, more questioning now.

"H-Hey." Holden managed out, coughing more quietly a few more times before getting his lungs under control.

"Hey; what's up?"

This was what Holden had called for?

"I think we have more important things to talk about then what's up." Holden replied, lying down on his bed, attempting to get comfortable but unable to with the atmosphere of the conversation so heavy.

"It's just a thing to say; I know we need to talk, I just…don't know what to say."

"How about you wanna try having a relationship?" Holden asked.

"Yeah, I guess that's a start. I don't know, though; I'm worried about people finding out." Sean's voice sounded more cautious then Holden had ever heard him.

"Well you seemed pretty eager to tell Harrison about us." Holden replied before he could extract the tang of bitterness from his voice.

"He talked to you? What'd he say?" Sean was anxious now, and Holden kind of liked having a bit of control over the other boy.

"Just that you've been a mess without me." This wasn't completely untrue.

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. "He's won't shut up about how pathetic I'm being."

"Well don't feel too bad; I'm kind of in the same boat." Holden replied.

"So what…we're just _supposed_ to be together or something? We haven't even been broken up for a week, and we're both a mess."

"Well why should we have to be apart? I mean, I know we were only really together for a week, but I feel like we just connected." Holden replied.

"Yeah, same here; but honestly, if this gets back to my parents…"

"Mine would probably kick me out, so I feel the same way. We're just going to have to be really careful."

Sean didn't speak for a while, and Holden wondered if he had lost the connection.

"How about we just go for a drive?" He suggested.

"That sounds really good, actually." Holden replied, smiling to himself.

"I'll be at your house in a bit." Sean said, and then hung up before Holden could even get in a response.

* * *

Sure enough, Holden had barely managed to pull on proper clothes before Sean was driving up to his house. A quick goodbye to his parents, both of them fairly well attached to the television, gained him a quick escape. He rounded the side of his house, this time sure of whom would be there, and it was as he expected; Sean, looking incredibly sexy with a smile plastered to his face. Holden pulled the passenger's door opened and climbed in, pulling his seat belt on. However, Sean didn't move. Holden looked over at him in curiosity, and found the other boy staring.

"I'm sorry; I should have stuck by you." He said, verbally what his more solemn expression now showed.

"No, don't; I don't know if I could have if I was in your position." Holden replied, shaking his head.

"Yes you would have. You say you care, Holden, but you don't; you're braver then I am."

Holden sighed, "Can we just drive? All of this sad talk is getting me down."

"Yeah." Sean replied, and he pulled out of Holden's driveway and toward the road before them.

The radio hummed quietly, and Holden was unsure what to say now as Sean drove.

"We really need to start thinking of new places to hang out. Your truck hasn't always yielded the best results." He finally managed, and Sean chuckled.

"Yeah, we should; I guess we could hang out at my house, if you wanted. My parents wouldn't think anything of us. I just don't want anyone at school spreading anything."

"It was Reed, just so you know. He's the one that started the rumor." Holden added, feeling a tremor of anger sweep through him before dissipating.

"Why the hell would he do that? He had our backs at the last game." Sean questioned, brow furrowing.

"He said he doesn't think you're good for me, said he's just looking out for me and that I can do better. I don't see it, but whatever."

"It's not any of his damn business whether or not we're together." Sean mumbled, but Holden could tell there were thoughts being processed beyond what he was verbalizing.

"What are you thinking?" He asked, attempting to obtain the workings of the other boy's mind.

"Just that I'd beat the shit out of him if he didn't have this over us." Sean replied, and Holden wondered if profanity was just his way of expressing his rage without getting violent.

"Calm down; he didn't really mean anything by it." Holden said, defending Reed despite himself.

"Whatever, Holden; if this gets out, don't expect me to go easy on him."

Holden sighed, and silence ensued.

"I'm hungry; you hungry?" Sean asked.

"Yeah, actually I am." Holden said, feeling a gnawing in his stomach.

* * *

Sean drove into the town nearest Holden's house, away from the school and that town. People rarely commuted between the two, so it was unlikely for them to see anyone they knew. They stopped at a Wendy's, this one seeming to be a more prestigious restaurant from the chain.

Sean ordered a burger and fries, and when Holden ordered a burger and chili, he realized he didn't have any money on him. However, Sean stepped in front of him and paid the bill, handing the cashier a twenty.

"You didn't need to do that." Holden mumbled as Sean grabbed their tray and headed for a table.

"Well call me old-fashioned; I'm not going to make you pay when you're my date." Sean replied nonchalantly.

"Oh, so this is a date?" Holden asked as they sat down.

Sean shrugged. "I guess so."

The larger boy unwrapped his burger and began to take a bite, but then he noticed Holden bowing his head, eyes closed. He waited for him to look up before speaking.

"What was that?"

"I was just praying; it's kind of a habit I have before every meal." Holden answered, trying not to be self-conscious about his faith.

Sean nodded, easing Holden's nerves of his behavior. "That's cool."

They ate in silence, Holden too preoccupied with the process of eating to speak. Then, when he moved on to his chili, Sean spoke up.

"Is that stuff good? I don't think I've ever had chili at a fast food place."

Holden nodded, "Yeah, it's amazing; you wanna try it?"

Sean shrugged, and Holden passed his the plastic cup and spoon. The football player took it, and scooped up some of the meat and beans from the liquid onto the spoon. He took it in one bite, and then sputtered painfully. Holden bit back a laugh at the incredulous expression upon the other boy's face, looking as though he had been fed lard.

"Man, that's frigging hot!" Sean gasped, "Not to mention it tastes like shit!"

"Watch your mouth." Holden corrected, and Sean eyed him in a curious manner, seeming to both take note of his offensive remark as well as Holden's expression.

Then, Holden realized that there was residue of the food on Sean's upper lip, caught in the hair that he let grow there.

"You have something on your face." Holden said and absentmindedly leaned forward, thumb moving over Sean's face to wipe it away. Sean's eyes caught his, and Holden immediately realized what he was doing, closed hand against the other boy's face, thumb rubbing his skin.

Sean's eyes held that intensity that Holden had seen before, the first time they had driven in Sean's truck and again after the football game. Before he could move away, Sean was leaning forward and kissed him squarely on the mouth, a fast yet firm kiss that made Holden's heart constrict. Sean was back in his seat before Holden even realized they had parted, and Holden leaned back against his as well. Sean was smiling now, a big grin that made Holden's heart beat back to life.

"You look like you just got slapped in the face?" Sean explained.

"I just…wasn't expecting that." Holden replied, grabbing his cup of chili from Sean's side of the table as Sean stuffed a few fries into his mouth.

"What, you didn't like it?" He questioned.

"No, actually; it was kind of amazing."

Sean chuckled, and Holden wondered if they could just stay here forever, in a fairly well deserted Wendy's where no one knew them, where they were free from the weight of the opinions and judgments of everyone they knew. He knew they couldn't, but it was a blissful thought nonetheless, as Sean's knees adjusted comfortably against his beneath the table.


	8. Chapter 8

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Eight

This is a bit of a segway chapter, but I hope it's enjoyed nonetheless. Please let me know how I'm doing, or if you have any suggestions on plot development that might not be crossing my mind :)

* * *

Over the weeks, Holden began to uncover new details about Sean Jackson, little features, both inward and outward, that made him drawn even closer to the other boy. He noticed that when they were in a conversation, Sean always looked directly in his eyes, or allowed his eyes to wonder along Holden's face, seeming to capture every inch of it within the length of even a brief conversation. It was always when Holden was speaking that Sean would just reach out like a curious child and brush his thumb along his jaw, seeming fascinated when Holden didn't shave a day, or across the side of his lip, catching a bit of chap stick against the callused skin and rubbing it between two fingers until it dissolved.

Sean didn't seem to grasp the concept of boundaries, really. He didn't often share his feelings, instead content to display them physically. The aforementioned touches were just the part of the iceberg that Holden could see, the ten percent that anyone could recognize and be intrigued by prior to seeing the ninety percent engulfed in mystery. But Sean's actions didn't make him cold, though; they were gestures that made Holden's stomach turn at first, and eventually just warmed his cheeks a bit. The way Sean always adjusted the temperature in his truck every time Holden showed the most minuscule trait of discomfort. It was the way Sean touched him when they made out in the dark of the night, hands careful yet prying, knowing that there was a line by not afraid to dance along it.

Sean Jackson didn't mind kissing Holden in public, either. If they were somewhere that no one knew them, he would lean down at will, occasionally interrupting a train of thought that the other boy was carrying. It was rude, and Holden would let him know that, but it was always from lips curved upward, cheeks tinted. Sean was arrogant, too, which was probably why he didn't mind displaying such affection amongst strangers. He realized how incredibly sexy he was, that every girl who saw him more then likely wanted to see him with his shirt off, and every boy either got off at night to the thought him on top of them or prayed to God that they could look similar. It might have been annoying, if it weren't for the fact that Sean thought Holden was even hotter, and would take every chance he had to crush the dreams of said girls and gay boys by letting them know he in fact was taken.

Reed never found out that they were back together; Holden and Sean were much more careful following the evening at Wendy's, being sure to never kiss anywhere near the school unless it was from the safety of one of their vehicles, and even then the kisses were fleeting. Holden went to the gym with Reed fairly often; he was glad to have someone who he could talk to as well as being grateful for saving some gasoline. Reed was actually a nice guy, someone who Holden needed to talk about guy problems, situations Kate didn't always fully grasp.

Speaking of Kate, Holden thought she might be catching onto his secret. She had been his best friend since the start of high school, after all, and he really was surprised that he had kept the secret as long as he had. He was just finding it difficult to pinpoint a time that would be best for telling her. Her curious glances when he made excuses for not returning her texts for prolonged periods of time, paired with her shaking leniency for his suddenly cramped schedule meant that the time frame was narrowing with the days.

So here he was, fairly well falling in love with Sean, and he had to keep it all to himself. Well, at least for the next few minutes, considering that he was currently propped on Kate's bed, awaiting his best friend to return from the kitchen downstairs with hot chocolate. The weather had chilled quite early this year, homecoming not even having passed yet. He looked around at the pictures scattered along the walls and furniture in her room, an entire shelf dedicated to their silly misadventures, Holden looking at once more young and naïve when captured on camera.

She padded along the carpet just as he began to analyze a specific image of them leaning over two mounding bowls of ice cream with bright smiles on their faces, cups of steaming liquid gripped by the handles promising warmth that the heating system couldn't provide.

"I remember that picture; what was that, freshman year?" Kate asked, handing him a mug and taking a seat in a large lounge chair across the room from her bed.

"Yeah, I think so; we look so bright and happy there."

"I kind of miss those days; I wish I could be that carefree again sometimes."

She sipped her hot chocolate, and Holden glanced toward her, not yet drinking his, too preoccupied with how he was going to tell her this crucial part of his life. Sean had already granted his consent (although it wouldn't have stopped Holden if he hadn't, considering that Harrison had been told), so there was really nothing stopping him but fear of the response he might earn.

"I need to tell you something." Holden blurted out without thinking, mentally kicking himself as he did.

Kate's interest was perked, the young woman setting her cup on the table beside the chair before focusing her attention on the boy in front of her.

"Yeah?" She asked, and Holden was a bit more encouraged by her calmly prodding response.

"Well, I've kind of been…well, there's some stuff you don't know about me." Holden replied, averting her gaze now as he felt the second thoughts closing in upon him.

"Well obviously it can't be so bad. You already got the big secret out the way a few years ago." She said, and he could feel her smiling soothingly toward him.

"I…well, I've kind of been seeing someone." Holden said, and there was no going back now. He adjusted on the bed, having trouble holding the mug while he pulled his legs up to his chest.

"Really? That's great, Holden!" Kate said happily. "Is he someone I know?"

"Yeah, kind of." He replied, unable to resist a slight smile as she grew excited for him.

"Well, who? Surely a boy like you was able to land a pretty good catch."

She was leaning up in her seat now, slight frame threatening to fall forward onto the carpet. Holden couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Sean."

"Sean…."

"Sean Jackson?"

"Sean Jackson?"

"Yeah, Sean Jackson."

"Like, football-playing, facial hair-sporting, arrogant smile-wearing Sean Jackson?"

"Yeah, that one."

Holden wondered now how bright of an idea this had been. He looked up into Kate's eyes with caution, and some an indecipherable response splayed across her expression.

"He's gay?" She asked. What type of follow-up was that?

"Yeah, yeah he is."

"You've been in love with him since we were freshman!" She said, and a bit of joy seemed to flit past her eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, I kind of have."

"I always thought he was a major man-whore." She said, looking from Holden to take in the whole room, inner monologue seeming to overwhelming the capacity for verbal response. This baffled Holden; was she happy for him? Was she upset? Or did she think he couldn't have landed a guy like Sean?

"How long have you guys been together?" She asked now, and Holden was glad to return to a conversation after the lingering silence.

"We started talking the night of that party in the woods." He replied, and Kate's eyes lit up with understanding, seeming to piece together every time when he had told her he was busy, or the motivation behind some of his actions.

"And you didn't tell me?" Now her voice was saturated in doubt.

"Well, he didn't want anyone to know. And I didn't want to tell you if it didn't work out. Then I might have gotten too invested too early."

"Holden, you've been invested in Sean Jackson for a while." She replied, and the smile he had been expecting didn't come.

"Kate, I'm kind of confused right now. Are you…okay with this?"

"I don't know, Holden; he seems kind of like bad news. I mean, he's always had this bad reputation, and it's one thing to enjoy the thought of him and admire him from afar, but an entirely different thing to start dating him."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Holden questioned as Kate settled into her seat. His nerves were acting up, and he realized that maybe this hadn't been the right decision.

"You're kind of slow dancing in a burning room." Kate said, and Holden felt his stomach sink. Why was it that no one could seem to be happy for them?

He stood then, not really sure what else to do.

"Holden, don't leave; we can talk about this." Kate said, not out of desperation, instead with exasperation tinting her tone.

"No, this was a bad idea. I just wanted to be able to talk to you about him, but I get it; you aren't a fan."

"It's not that, Holden; I don't _know_ Sean. I always assumed the first guy you got in a relationship with would be someone we were friends with, something that developed from that and grew into a romance, not someone neither of us has ever really talked to before."

He turned to her, stopping his trek toward the door to hear her out. She was in the process of standing, rising to her feet and ready to stop him from leaving.

"I care about you, Holden, that's all. And I feel like I can't protect you from someone I don't know."

He nodded, realizing that they had been on different pages, possibly separate chapters on this subject. "He's a good guy, Kate. A great guy, actually."

She smiled warmly, and it felt better then any hot chocolate. "I'm glad; but now you're going to have to spend the night and tell me everything I missed in those weeks where I was thrown in the closet you two so freely abandoned."

And Holden was more then happy to embrace his best friend in that moment, welcoming the company of someone so dear to his heart.


	9. Chapter 9

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Nine

This is where the plot starts to kind of take off, so it might be a little while before I update again; I want this to be as great as possible, which means sorting through my ideas. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this update :)

* * *

Homecoming; it was the high school equivalent of Hanukkah, in a crude sort of way. Homecoming was a prolonged period of celebration, finally ending on Friday with a parade and an obscenely hyped football game that night. Holden was much for the festivities, not really buying into the theme days, which had worn their welcome his sophomore year with their ridiculously clichéd themes. As a football player, however, Sean was subject to an entirely different sort of scrutiny for school spirit. Alongside the cheerleaders, who were forced to participate in the themed days that they planned, football players were expected to show an ample amount of spirit, since Homecoming was basically their own holiday.

The first day wasn't too bad; entitled 'Come as You Are,' the majority of the students could be seen walking around in their pajamas. Holden, never wanting to be seen at less then his best, didn't participate. Sean, of course, came fairly simple, dressed in a plain white short-sleeve v-neck and checkered pajama pants. He had obviously decided not to shave over the weekend either, sporting a coarser beard then usual. Other then the football player in question, Kate decided to dress in a fitted nightgown that looked a bit too nice to be actual sleep ware.

The following days ran through other simple themes; Neon Day, Superhero Day, and Twin Day, which led to the grand finale of Spirit Day on Friday.

"This is kind of the lamest costume ever." Holden said, pulling at the tight fabric stretching along Sean's chest as they sat in his truck after school.

"You totally dig it, don't lie." Sean said with a grin.

"Yeah, you're right." Holden replied, allowing the other boy to kiss him and push him down onto the front seat, pinning him with a half-hearted struggle. "Couldn't you have picked someone a bit more original then Superman?"

"Well, I would've done Wolverine, but I don't think you could have contained yourself." Sean answered, kissing along Holden jaw.

After several long moments of making out, Sean pulled away, sitting up. Holden did as well, a bit confused by the thoughtful gaze Sean was giving him.

"What?" He questioned, voicing his thoughts.

"Well, I've been thinking and…I have an idea. But I don't know if you're going to go for it or not."

"Just ask me, I'm sure it's no big deal." Holden said, leaning against the frame of the door, fingers dancing lightly along the tight spandex covering Sean's outstretched leg.

"Well, I was wondering if you might…if you would wear my jersey Friday?"

Holden felt the air catch in his lungs, fingers immediately halting their movement on his leg. Every Homecoming, all of the cheerleaders, along with the other girls who had either boyfriends or relatives on the football team, wore the extra away-game jerseys that the football players had, while the football players wore their home-game jerseys.

"Sean, if I…" Holden knew what Sean was asking of him, and yet he couldn't really feel anything as the other boy's deep pools of hazel drowned all coherent thought from his mind briefly. He recovered with a shake of his head, and he felt Sean leaning forward before he saw it, attempting to reach the other boy across the vehicle as though more contact would make up his mind for him.

"Everyone will know. Everyone will know about _both_ of us. We aren't in California or some liberal state, Sean; everyone is going to _hate_ us."

"I don't care," Sean replied, and Holden believed him, with his brow furrowed in determination. Sean, the one who was supposed to be so concerned with status and reputation; he wanted everyone to know.

"What if my parents find out? What about yours?" Holden questioned, avoiding answering the proposal.

"How are they going to find out? Our parents don't go to the parade, and you'll be changed by the game."  
"Yeah, but…what about the other players? Aren't they going to be pissed when they find out there's a gay guy on the team?"

Sean shrugged. "Like I said, I don't care; a few weeks ago, maybe, but not now. I want to be with you in public. Not making out and stuff, just being able to talk to you and not worrying about what everyone thinks."

"Can't we do that by just being _friends_?" Holden asked, panicking a bit.

"Why are you fighting this? I just want to be with you; isn't that what you've always wanted?"

"Y-Yeah, but…I don't know, I just don't know that I'm ready, Sean."

The other boy sighed. "If not now, then when? You can't keep saying someday, because someday might never happen. The football players, the cheerleaders, anyone else whose opinion we're taught to care about in high school really doesn't matter. All that matters is you and me, and being happy. I don't want to die in some freak accident having regrets, and if we don't do this, then I know I'm going to regret it. I would think you would agree."

Holden sighed heavily, will power failing him. He looked up from where his eyes had settled on their touching legs, and he felt his heart collapse; something in Sean's eyes made him completely give in to everything.

"I guess I don't really have a choice, do I? I spent my entire high school life building up this reputation that I'm not gay, but here I am, contradicting myself."

"Don't even start with the guilt trip; _no one_ is expecting this from me." Sean replied, but his tone was considerably lighter, his eyes catching the joy that his face didn't entirely reveal.

* * *

Holden took a deep breath, realizing what he was about to do. It was Friday, and here he was, seated in his car with a white jersey just a bit too large on, a '42' emblazoned on both the front and back. The air felt just a bit too heavy inside his vehicle, his mind spinning ever so slightly. He willed himself to grab the door handle, forcing it open. Everyone was piling into the school, not too concerned by anyone other then themselves and getting to class on time.

Holden took another deep breath, as though it was keeping his heart beating, and he tried to tell himself that this was his one life, and that he needed to slam the door and not be a prisoner anymore. Wait…dammit, that was a Miley Cyrus song. He had put a bunch of inspirational songs on repeat in his car, and yet their strength had abandoned him, leaving only their hooks buried deep within his memory now in the most useless way possible.

He took his first step out, the cool early fall air dousing his bare arms, raising the hair as he got out of his car and stood upright, slinging his bag over his shoulders and locking his car. He walked forward toward the entrance, not looking at anyone, yet already feeling eyes on him. He walked through the cafeteria, where all the lower ranks of the social ladder were eating. He continued on, hoping that they were too preoccupied with their meal to notice him. He headed to his locker, checking his phone and noticing that there were only four minutes until first hour started.

There was Kate, standing at her locker. She turned toward him, the hallway fairly well deserted besides the two of them. Her eyes took him in, and immediately she dropped her armful of books on the ground. He rushed forward, helping her pick up the textbooks and binders from the floor.

"Are you _crazy_?" She exclaimed in a hushed tone.

"It was his idea; I didn't want to, but he was so convincing with his talk of regrets and freak accidents and those stupid eyes…"

"You're social status is dead, I hope you know." She replied, dialing a number on her phone while balancing her books between her other hand and shoulder.

"You almost here?" She asked into the device. A reply came, and she spoke again. "Holden is just pulling some crazy stunt; don't be too shocked when you see him." Silence. "No, he didn't dye his hair red and white; just wait, it's worse then that. We're not going to be able to let him out of our site today."

Kate hung up and looked back at Holden, still clutching his bag.

"That was Julia; all I'm gonna say is thank God you're working on the senior class float and Julia and I will be there with you all day. This isn't going to end well, Holden."


	10. Chapter 10

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Ten

Well here's the update! I really hope it doesn't skip around too much; I know it's been a prolonged wait, but I hope it is worth it :)

Feedback is much appreciated!

* * *

So maybe Kate was right. Holden felt his stomach sinking even more as he stood there with her in senior hall, and wondered if it was too late to go home and change clothes. Of course it was; he lived twenty miles away, and school started in about three minutes. Three minutes until the reputation he had amassed throughout high school would be obliterated.

"We need to get outside and start working on the senior float." Kate replied, voice sounding as though he were underwater, thoughts obstructing his ability to think. He nodded absentmindedly, and Kate grabbed his hand, guiding him down the hall and out the double doors that led to the football field.

* * *

As they walked out onto the field, Holden spotted Sean and Harrison walking into the school at the other side, backs turned to them. Now, more than ever, he wanted to have the other boy with him. Or maybe that would just make things worse. He was supposed to be proud of this; he was Hester Prynne, not Bella Swan. Lord, why did he just compare himself to two girls?

They began work on the float, Kate with effort, Holden with little care. Julia arrived within the hour, as well as several other kids that weren't involved in much else on Homecoming. Julia took one look at him and her jaw went slack, body checking him once, twice, and then finally taking a few more steps forward.

"What is _wrong_ _with you_?" She questioned in his ear, a cautious velocity to her words. "I had no idea you were…"  
"Yeah, that was kind of what I hoped. Well, until today." He replied, trying to keep himself calm.

"You…you and…together?" Julia asked, gripping his shoulders now, as though he even had the option to retreat. Holden nodded, unable to summon the words to relate his thoughts.

"How long?" She asked now.

"Would you guys stop gossiping? We need to get this done!" Kate hollered from the top of the float. Her motives were clear when Holden turned around; the other kids were watching them, analyzing the conversation as much as they were Holden's clothing. They were just a step above burnouts though, so Holden held them with little regard. Regardless, he turned back toward the float and began helping Kate wrap chicken wire around a few posts.

Reed came outside with two boxes of pizza around noon, signaling the dwindling time left for work. So far, the group had managed to construct a tribal scene with a hut and bows and arrows around; the opposing team's mascot for the football game was the eagle, so they thought they were clever with their layout.

"Student council bought pizza for you; good job on the float, by the way. You better get the seniors first place." He said with a disarming smile.

Holden, who had been bent over behind the float attempting to fasten chicken wire, stood at that moment, and Reed's smile flinched, if only briefly, at the sight.

"Nice jersey, Holden." He said, words coated in sarcasm; Holden flinched at the edge, realizing the sensation of being on the receiving end of the boy's bad side.

"Thanks." He replied nonetheless, attempting earnestness but settling on meekness. Reed turned casually left, headed to the student parking lot to work on the student council float.

It was then that everyone sat down to enjoy the pizza; however, Holden was interrupted by the approaching figure of Sean, Harrison beside him.

"How's it going?" Sean asked casually, Harrison walking over to take a seat beside Julia, who flashed him a smile.

"I'll just say I'm glad that I'm out here with a small group of people."

Sean chuckled. "Having doubts?"

"Yeah; a lot, actually." He replied. Sean then began to walk over to the bleachers, not bothering to offer a reason.

"Where are you going?" Holden called.

"Just come on; I think they can handle everything for a bit without you."

Holden turned, grabbing a plate and two slices of pizza before hurrying after the jock.

* * *

"Are you coming to the game tonight?" Sean asked. They had found a seat at the top of the bleachers, overlooking all of the float projects to their left.

"Yeah, I was planning on it. I don't think I'm gonna wear this, although it _is _really comfortable."

Sean's hand ran along his arm then, a brief touch that raised the hair on Holden's neck.

"I feel bad for this, you know."

"Why? Jocks are a lot less accepting then my friends." Holden replied, catching Sean's eye as he took a bite of his second slice of pizza, having already devoured the first.

"So Julia and Kate are fine with this?"

"Well, I wouldn't say fine; both of them think it was a terrible idea. Kate said as much, but I could read it in Julia's tone."

Sean shrugged then, turning to squint at the field, pondering thoughts that Holden couldn't imagine. "I see it as this is our one life, and dammit if I'm going to let anyone else live it for me. We deserve to be happy."

"Yeah, but this could be more trouble than it's worth." Holden replied, finishing the pizza in his hand.

"Not possible; this is priceless. I mean, you are at least." Sean said, as though the weight of his words were equivalent to a feather and not a dumpster load of stones.

"Why do you _do _that?" Holden questioned.

"What?"

"Why do you act all sensitive and perfect and stuff? It makes me like you way too much."

Sean laughed and turned. Holden wondered if anyone could spot them, but resigned himself to 'screw it' and allowed the other boy to kiss him gently, hand grazing his cheek before their lips parted.

"I need to get back inside; I'll see you tonight, after the game?" He asked.

Holden nodded, words struggling to form on his lips.

* * *

The time inevitably came for the parade, and that was when Holden really felt his heart beating in his ear drums. They all mounted the wheeled station, attached to a truck, and rode it toward their spot in the line-up. The town was small, so the extent of twenty spots in the parade seemed aptly epic for its people. As such, everyone was gathered along the streets, school dismissed for students to watch as well.

During the period of waiting, Holden was cornered on the side of the float by both girls.

"Holden, why did you not feel the need to tell me you were _gay_?" Julia asked quietly, seating herself beside him against the sturdy tee-pee at the center of the float.

"I didn't think it really mattered." He replied.

"Whether or not it should matter isn't the point, Holden, because it _does._" Kate fired back, sitting on his other side.

"And how long have you guys been together?" Julia asked.

"I don't know; a month or two I think."

"And you're making this public already?" She questioned.

"Yeah, it seems really rushed to me too, Julia." Kate answered.

"We shouldn't have to hide our relationship." Holden replied.

"Again, whether or not you should doesn't matter; you don't really have a choice in Mid-West America." Kate said.

"Well it's too late now, regardless." Julia said. "You guys are gonna have to stick together. That just sucks for him; there are some really homophobic jocks on the football team."

Holden nodded, more afraid for Sean than he had been. Yeah, Sean was strong and everything, but one wasn't much of a match for three, four, or five others.

"We just care about you, Holden; I really wish you had talked to me before you had decided to do this." Kate said. She may have been attempting to ease his worries, but it hadn't helped. This damn jersey now seemed like the biggest mistake in high school history.

"Are you queer, dude?"

Holden turned, and saw one of the guys that had been working on the float with them standing over the trio. He had a piercing in both ears as well as his lip, and was dressed in a school hoody paired with too-tight jeans.

"Go away, Martin." Kate ordered, immediately taking on her ice queen persona that took effect around every straight boy.

"I was just curious; I mean, I was just gonna tell you to watch out at school. People thought I was queer for a long time, and I got all sorts of crap for it."

"Oh…alright, thanks." Holden replied with hesitance, unsure whether or not Martin's intentions were pure or tainted.

But the boy nodded. "Just trying to do you a solid, man."

"I appreciate it." Holden answered with a smile, and the boy returned to his seat with his two friends at the other end of the float.

"Things are really going to change, aren't they?" Holden asked.

Kate nodded, and he felt Julia grab his hand. His throat tightened as the gravity of his actions hit him with their full force.

"We'll be here, though. Don't worry, Holden."

* * *

The parade passed without much of a hassle, and Holden found himself back at his house, changing into his pep club shirt for the game. Kate had promised to show up for moral support; Julia showing up to continue what she said was their new tradition. Holden attempted to rid his mind of the memories of the parade, the ones of the people looking at his waving figure in shock and beginning to whisper. He had to believe that they didn't matter; a few more months and high school would be over. They wouldn't matter anymore.

The memories, with fears attached like grenades, came with him to the game. While he was no longer sporting the jersey, he could just see the second glances he was garnering. The three of them settled in their seats in the student section, Holden now prepared to marginally understand what was going on. The game began, and he put to rest his worries as he failed to catch any mention of him in the conversations around him. One quarter passed, the home team ahead, and Holden was on his feet with Julia and Kate, cheering.

Then, half-time came. With it came a time for actual conversation, which Holden was dreading. Not from Kate and Julia, who had yet to ask him anything about his impulsive decision, but instead of anyone around him. Sure enough, Reed came walking up, a bottle of soda in hand.

"Hey, Reed." Julia greeted. Reed stopped, turning toward the three where they now sat.

"Hey, guys; good game, isn't it?"

They all nodded, and Reed just stood there. Holden then realized there was an open spot beside them.

"Do you wanna sit with us?" He offered.

Reed nodded, and Holden thought briefly that there was no longer any ill will held toward him. It had always been Sean though, hadn't it?

"Hey faggot!"

Holden turned, heat rising in his face as he realized that the words were headed in his direction. Heading across the bleachers toward him with purpose was David Acrum, a large boy who had been kicked off the football team due to the failing of multiple drug tests.

"Yeah, you!" He said, and Holden stood, wondering if he could outrun the other boy to his car.  
"Holden, sit down." Kate whispered urgently, but Holden couldn't find the will in his legs to oblige.

"What's a queer like you doing at a football game? Checking out all the dudes?"

"I just want to watch the game, David." Holden replied calmly, although he knew his face was red.

"You faggots make me sick!"

And before Holden could move, he was shoved hard, falling down the bleachers and onto the pavement. His bottom half managed to receive the majority of the impact, his head avoiding injury. It still hurt like hell, and he just sat there, stunned. But David was approaching, ready for a fight.

Then, Reed was between them.

"Hey douche bag, why don't you go sit down?" He said.

"What, you his boyfriend?" David spat.

"I'm just a guy who can't stand meatheads like you who don't know what the hell they're doing. You need to go sit down now, or I'm gonna knock you out."

"I could drop you in a second." David sneered, looking incredibly ugly in that moment.

"You wanna test me? I'll call the cops on you; let's see you try to cover up that cocaine on your hands."  
David flinched, not replying. Then, he was turning, walking back to a seat. Julia and Kate were on their feet within seconds, hurrying down the steps to Holden. He hadn't realized it, but everyone was watching him then, all of them judging in some way.

"We should probably get you out of here." Julia said, and Kate nodded. They lifted him up, and he brushed himself off, a sharp pain searing briefly through his lower half.

"Thanks, Reed." Holden said, and Reed turned toward him.

"No problem, Holden. We are friends, after all."

Holden smiled, reciprocating the one the other boy was offering before he allowed the two girls to lead him toward the parking lot.

* * *

Sean's fingers ran along Holden's arms, grazing the flesh and moving down to the hem of his shirt.

"I feel like shit, you know. I should've known something like this would happen."

Holden shook his head, leaning back onto the soft mattress beneath him. Sean's house was abandoned except for the two of them, something that both boys were content with. "Don't beat yourself up; I'm sure someone's going to anyway."

"Seriously, Holden; I can't let you out of my sight at school anymore."

"Well that's kind of dramatic; you're going to have to, since we don't have all the same classes. I can take care of myself too; maybe not as well as you could, but I can get the job done. No one's going to do anything too crazy at school, anyway."

Sean sighed, and he laid down beside Holden, his arms wrapping around the boy's torso and pulling him close.

"Ouch!"

"Shit, I'm sorry." Sean snapped, and Holden chuckled.

"I'm just kidding; I'm not really that sore anymore."

Sean narrowed his eyebrows in frustration, but leaned in, kissing the other boy softly. Holden clung to the larger boy, who rolled over so that he was on top of him, pinning the other to the bed. Then, Holden's mind was wandering, and his fingers were pulling at the hem of Sean's shirt, which clung dryly to his torso from absorbed sweat. Sean allowed the shirt to be lifted along his back and over his head, their lips parting briefly so the garment could be fully shed.

When Sean's lips returned, they were much more desperate, searching for something that Holden's lips couldn't deliver. So Sean's hands came to Holden's shirt, pulling with urgency. Holden arched his back as Sean's callused fingers grazed his bare skin, the shirt pulled over his head.

"You wanna…do this?" Sean asked, lips pulling back so that he could look into Holden's eyes. They laid there, Sean's hands on Holden's bare skin and feeling welcome, Holden's finger scraping bluntly along Sean's back, attempting to memorize every muscle. And so Holden nodded, abandoning inhibitions for desires for the first time in his life.

Sean's lips found his again, now more assured and no longer restrained, traveling along his body. Holden groaned, fingers burying in Sean's hair as he allowed himself to be taken under by the boy whose very being was about to become intertwined with his.


	11. Chapter 11

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Eleven

The plot thickens! I hope this chapter is up to par; I won't be able to update next weekend, sorry :)

* * *

So waking up with Sean's arm strewn across his stomach was probably the most amazing feeling that Holden had yet to experience in his life. However, it was the polar opposite of the emotion he held as he walked out to his car after school on Monday with the words 'football faggot' chalked onto the side of his car. He had to spend thirty humiliating minutes at the car wash, attempting to get the dark purple letters washed off.

Sean wasn't having much better of a time. The next day he was sporting a black eye, which he said he got from tripping and falling against one of those big tires that they flipped during practice. Holden knew better, especially when it became public knowledge that Sean had been exiled from the jock table. So yeah, their one little action during homecoming had led to the implosion of their social lives. Sean swore up and down that it was worth it, but Holden didn't think so.

The good news was that at least they could hang out during school. Yeah, people glared, and Holden got called some sort of slur at least once an hour, but as the days passed, it began to faze him less and less. Kate and Julia still had his back, and Harrison had migrated to their lunch table for Sean's sake. Reed even seemed to making an effort to talk to Holden more, especially in public. People stared when he did, but it kept some of the whispers at bay. This peaked Holden's curiosity as to why Reed had taken such a liking to him, but he wasn't going to complain.

* * *

It was on a Thursday that Holden began to truly comprehend what his actions had done. It was late on Thursday, eight o'clock at night, to be exact, when the Holden heard his doorbell ring. He was sitting in the family room reading, which was closest to the door, so he got up and answered it with a bit of caution. No one ever showed up so late at their house; hell, no one showed up _ever_. So when Holden found Sean, face stone cold, standing in his doorway, he wasn't sure how to respond.

"My parents…I couldn't keep it from them. I kept trying to come up with excuses but…it just came out. I didn't know what to do, I just…I just thought maybe…could I spend the night here?"

Holden's heart broke for Sean immediately, but within seconds he was concerned with how he was going to tell his parents about this. Thank God that the entryway was large enough for Sean to stand inside while he went into the family room to ask his parents.

"Just…wait here a second." Holden finally answered, opening the door wider and allowing to Sean to come inside, toying with his keys anxiously. Holden rested his hand briefly upon Sean's arm and offered up a smile that he hoped was genuine before walking into the family room.

"Hey, I was just wondering if my friend Sean could spend the night. His…power went out, and he needs a place to get ready for school tomorrow."

"Yeah, sure." His dad replied, turning away the generic episode of CSI that was playing. His mom then pressed pause on the show (the blessings of DVR).

"Can we meet him before you two go off to play video games or whatever?"

Sean seemed to enter on cue, immediately flashing his brilliant white teeth and seeming more confident than Holden had seen him in a while.

"Hi Mr. and Mrs. Wilson; I'm really sorry if I'm being a trouble."  
He shook Holden's father's hand, and granting his mom an even bigger smile, one that seemed truly genuine.

"Oh it's no bother at all, Sean; do you want to spend the night in Holden's room or would you like to use the guest bedroom?" His mom asked.

"I can just stay in Holden's room; I wouldn't want to waste space."

"Oh no, son, don't worry about that. If you want to use the guest bedroom that's fine; Holden gives off some loud snores." His dad said with a smile.

"Dad, I was six last time we slept in the same room." Holden replied, rolling his eyes.

"Well I don't think I've ever gotten less sleep in my life. You're like a damn freight train!" Mr. Wilson answered with a chuckle.

Sean laughed in good nature, and then Holden was walking up the stairs.

"Come on, let's get everything organized." He resisted the impulse to grab Sean's hand in his, the other boy turning to walk up the stairs.

"It was good meeting you both." Sean replied, flashing another award-winning smile for good measure.

"It was nice meeting you too; I hope we'll get to see you around more often." Holden's mom replied, a nod of agreement coming from his dad before they turned back to the television.

"You're parents seem really nice." Sean said as Holden searched for an extra pillow in his closet.

"Yeah, I love them to death." Holden replied absentmindedly, turning to hand Sean the pillow but instead finding a hand clasping the back of his neck and pulling him in for a kiss. His eyes fluttered closed after a brief moment of shock, taking in Sean's musk and allowing the stress to briefly dissipate.

Sean pulled back, grinning. "I just wanted to make sure everything was still worth it."  
"I'm glad you're still so sure." Holden replied, pushing the pillow into Sean's free hand as he moved toward the door, locking it.

"What, you're not?" Sean questioned, tone darkening.

Holden turned back to Sean, and sighed. There Sean stood, in a moment of complete vulnerability. It had taken a lot of time to get this far, and here he was, finding reasons to complain. It wasn't fair to either one of them, and he hadn't ever had life this good.

"I'm sorry." He replied, and then he was pushing Sean backwards, the other boy falling onto his bed. Holden yanked his shirt over his head, and crawled on top of the football player. For this moment, they could run away from their problems.

* * *

The next day, Holden once again thought that all of the crap they were both being put through was worth it, with Sean holding him against his chest. But reality came calling with the sound of his alarm, and he scrambled to shut it off. Sean groaned and stretched, looking over at Holden, who managed to wrap a blanket around his torso as he unplugged his phone from its charger.

"Guess it's time to get back to the real world." Sean said, voicing Holden's thoughts.

They ate in relative silence, without touching as Holden's mom insisted upon preparing their breakfast. They were out the door by seven-thirty, in time to get to school with just enough extra minutes to spare. Holden pulled into his parking spot just as his phone began to ring in his cup holder. It was Julia; he pressed answer, putting the car in park and killing the engine.

"Holden…you need to get to your locker."

It was a simple statement, but the inflection in her tone made Holden hurry out of his car, slamming the door shut and walking quickly to the entrance.

"Holden, where are you going so fast?" He heard Sean call, but Holden speedily made his way through the cafeteria, down the junior hallway, and into senior hall. And there it was.

Spray painted in massive red letters was: 'suck cock faggot'. He felt his heart pounding in his ears, and it was only once she was touching his shoulder that he realized Julia was standing beside him. His thoughts were fogged when he heard a roar issued from Sean, who seemed to have caught up with him.

"Who the hell did this? Julia, did you see anything?"

She must have shaken her head, because he just paced in his spot. Holden didn't know what to say, or what to do. There was no way this was coming off of his locker. And then the intercom issued forth an announcement: "Holden Wilson, please report to the principal's office."

* * *

"So we've gotten wind of your…behavior." Mrs. Wright said, circling her desk and sitting on the front of it to face him. "While we can't punish your actions, I find it incredibly difficult to comprehend why you would do this."

"You're blaming _me_? What about who did this to my locker? What about how Sean keeps getting beat up at football practice?" Holden questioned, temper already thin.

"I'm not blaming you or Sean, Holden. What I'm saying is that I have no idea why you would come out as gay. Can I just tell you something between the two of us?"

She was young, new at this; of course she would try to befriend him, make him feel like she was on his side. But he nodded regardless, curious as to what she would say.

"We live in the Midwest, Holden. People around here barely accept the fact that we have a black president, much less gay individuals. I understand why you would want to come out and be able to express yourself, but here is simply not the place to do it. I would support you; I _do_ support you, and will back you up through all of this. But there's only so much I can prevent."

Holden nodded, knowing that she was simply speaking the truth. "Do you know who did it?"

She nodded. "We think so; we need you to leave for the questioning though."

"Are you going to talk to Sean?" He asked, more out of curiosity than worry. Sean could easily take care of himself.

"Probably; he's as much a part of this as you are."

Holden nodded and stood.

"Holden, don't take this into your own hands." She warned.

"Trust me, I won't; I have my future to think about."  
She smiled. "Now that's a model student."

He headed for the door, but then she spoke again.

"Holden, wait."

He turned, and her expression had softened.

"Just…don't give up who you are, okay? No matter what kind of stuff happens be true to you."

He nodded, feeling affected by the kind words despite the threat of corniness overwhelming the moment.

* * *

The day passed with whispers all around him; the janitor had managed to clean off his locker, although it had taken the entirety of first and second hours to do so. Sean stayed near Holden most of the day, flashing a menacing snarl at any guy that looked like he might touch Holden. It was both a kind gesture and a hindering one, with Holden feeling more than a little effeminate because of it.

However, as the final bell rang and Holden headed for his car, Sean approached him with a smile.

"My dad called; he apologized for last night. He said wants to sit down and really discuss this all with me. He says they'll accept me no matter what."

Holden smiled for him, the mood of the day immediately lightening. "That's awesome! I'm crazy happy for you."

"You should tell your parents; it's such a nice feeling, not having to hide anything from anyone." Sean replied, and then he pulled Holden in for a quick kiss, despite the crowded parking lot. Holden faintly heard someone yell 'queers' across the lot, but he didn't care, kissing the other boy back.

"I'll talk to you tonight." Sean said, pulling away with a new grin that threatened to crack his face.

* * *

Holden padded down the stairs; dinner was finished, and it was a Friday night. Being the social hermit he was, he was staying home; Sean had plans with Harrison, and he didn't really feel like hanging out with friends. So here he was, attempting to gather up all of his strength with each step. His parents sat in the living room, watching another cop procedural.

He stopped at the foot of the stairs, just kind of standing there. His mom pressed pause, and they both turned to him.

"What's wrong, Holden?" She asked.

"I…I need to talk to you guys about something." He replied, and walked across the hardwood, taking a seat on the coffee table, equally distant from both of them.

"What is it, son?" His dad asked, brow furrowed by Holden's expression.

He attempted to not look so torn, but it was unsuccessful. "I just need, I need to tell you something."

"Whatever it is Holden, it can't be anything that will make us love you less." His mom replied.

He thought back to the times he would watch shows on the CW with his mom, or when he would tell his parents that he really liked the new Lady Gaga song. How could they not have an inkling of suspicion?

"I…" He felt his eyes watering, and cursed his influx of emotions when a situation got high stakes.

"What is it, Holden?" His dad asked, now thoroughly concerned.

"I…"

"Holden, dear, it's okay; did you get a girl pregnant? Did you get a ticket?"

"I'm gay." He blurted out; his mother's guesses seemed worse to him than the truth. But silence ensued, and he couldn't look at his parents.

Then, his dad spoke.

"Get out."

He looked up, and his dad's eyes were unreadable. The glass ceiling that kept his world restrained from collapse was cracking.

"W-What?" He asked, wondering if he heard right.

"Get out of my house." His father repeated, tone volatile.

He turned to his mom, who just looked at him in shock. And so he stood, his legs weak, mind swimming. He walked to the kitchen, grabbed his keys, and walked into the garage. He opened the garage door, and he drove off; the glass ceiling had collapsed, and his world was broken.


	12. Chapter 12

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Twelve

Sorry for the hiatus; this chapter isn't too long, but I think it helps to really set things up for the future. I hope you enjoy it! :)

* * *

The drive to Sean's house was the longest of his life. He rolled the windows down, despite the flurries of rain, because he just couldn't seem to get air to his lungs. He couldn't manage to turn on the radio, lost in his thoughts. They weren't much, consisting simply of his father's words repeating over and over again. The look on his mom's face was tattooed upon his memory for what he believed to be eternity.

This all led him here, standing on Sean's porch. There was no roof over the front door to keep the rain at bay, and he was gradually becoming drenched as he rang the doorbell. A woman answered within a minute, eyes kind and face laced in concern at the teenager before her.

"Oh dear, what's happened to you?"

Apparently he looked worse than he had realized.

"I…Is Sean…I'm…" He couldn't manage a coherent thought, because just seeing someone who didn't despise him broke him completely.

She seemed to understand despite this, opening the door wider.

"Come in before you catch pneumonia."

He stepped inside, standing on the welcome mat and unsure of what to do now.

"Sean, there's a boy here for you!" She called up the stairway near the front door.

She turned to him then. "What's your name, hun?"

"Holden, ma'am." He replied, clutching himself as the chills set in.

"Holden!" She added up the stairs before walking back over to him. "We need to get you into some dry clothes. Go into the laundry room over there; I just washed a bunch of Sean's clothes. You should be able to fit into most of it."

He nodded as she pointed in the direction of the hallway several steps away. Holden walked down the hallway and into the spacious room he believed she had meant. He closed the door and stripped, setting his clothes on the washing machine and deciding on a plain blue shirt and sweats from the hangers of clean clothing. Guilt panged him at the dependence upon this family, but then the door was opening and he turned to see Sean standing there, concern splashing his features.

"I…I told them." Holden said, now unable to look into the other boy's eyes.  
"Holden…"

Arms encircled him, and he felt the sobs racking him again. He felt like a complete girl now, unable to control himself as he wrapped his arms around Sean and allowed himself a moment of vulnerability.

"Sean, did he find something to wear?" His mom called from where Holden believed to be the entryway.

"Yeah!" He called back, arms leaving Holden and immediately leaving the other boy cold. Sean's hand found his, however, and he guided him back to the entryway where his mom stood.

"How are you feeling, dear?" She asked.

"Better; thank you, ma'am." Holden replied, nodding.

She granted him a bright smile, and then turned to Sean. "Are there enough blankets upstairs for him to stay upstairs?" Following Sean's nod, she continued. "Your dad isn't going to be home until the morning; he had some business he needed to take care of. Just be sure not to get too wild."

"Mom…" Sean began, and Holden turned to find a slight blush spreading across the other boy's face.

"Oh dear, I didn't mean it like that! It's late, and I'm sure Holden is tired; you should probably get his bedding ready."

Sean nodded, and Holden felt Sean's hand leave his as he walked up the stairs, leaving him there in the entryway alone with his boyfriend's mom.

"Are you hungry, Holden?" She asked. He shook his head. "Thirsty, maybe?"  
He shrugged, acknowledging the dryness in his throat at that moment. "Yeah, I guess I could use some water if that's okay."

"Of course! Here, it's this way." She replied, walking through what Holden assumed to be the family room and into the kitchen.

"I don't know exactly what happened, but I have a pretty good idea…I'm very sorry for you, dear." She said as she retrieved a glass and filled it with ice and water.

"Thank you; I just think I should've known not to say anything."

"No, this is _not_ your fault, Holden!" She exclaimed, setting the glass in front of him and leaning against the counter.

He wasn't sure how to respond to that, instead sipping at the water in silence.

"When Sean told us, I was just so shocked. Mark, my husband, he just spoke out of confusion without thinking. He needed to clear his head, I think, which wasn't fair to leave Sean hanging like that, but it led to a better result. What I'm trying to say is that no matter how your parents feel now, I'm sure that they will understand. I love him, but I never thought that Sean's dad would accept this about him. He was raised in such a strict Catholic home that he has always been closed off to more contemporary religious views about this sort of thing."

Holden nodded, and then she touched his hand, which was resting on the counter.

"Just know that you can stay here as long as you need to, Holden. We love Sean, and if he cares about you, then so do we."

"Thank you, Mrs. Jackson." Holden replied, not sure of what else to say.

"Do you wanna get some sleep?"

He turned and found Sean leaning against the counter behind him, watching the two of them.

"Yeah, I'm pretty tired." Holden replied.

"Here, I'll take that glass." Mrs. Jackson said, and took it from him, setting it on a towel by the sink. "Come here, I think you need a hug."

Holden smiled, turning a bit red as she put her arms around him. He bit his lip; her small frame felt too much like his own mother's, and the memories he had managed to sedate now flared back into the fore front of his mind.

"Goodnight, Mom." Sean said, as Holden pulled away and walked out of the kitchen and toward the stairs.

"Oh no, Son, you're not getting out of here without a hug too." She replied, and he sighed in mock exasperation, walking around the counter to give her a hug.

"I love you, Sean." She said.

"Love you too, Mom." He replied, and then pulled away and walked back toward Holden, stepping in front of the other boy and leading him up the stairs.

"Goodnight!" His mom called.

"Night!" Sean replied as he bound up the stairs.

Holden stepped into Sean's bedroom behind him, eyeing the sheets, blankets, and pillows that had been haphazardly organized on the ground.

"It needs to at least look like you didn't sleep in my bed." Sean explained, closing and locking the door.

Holden smiled slightly, and Sean reached out to touch him, using his shirt to pull him forward. When their lips met, Holden flinched, remembering what his father had said.

"What?" Sean asked, concern knitting his brow as he pulled back. Holden became hyper aware of the other boy's hands on his hips, thumbs gently gliding beneath the fabric and against his hip bones.

"I just…my dad…" Holden explained.

Sean sighed, but he saw understanding in the other boy's eyes. "Okay; we don't have to do anything tonight. It's better for us to just sleep on this anyway."

Holden nodded, and Sean walked over to the bed, pulling his sheets back before stripping his shirt and pants off, leaving him in his boxers. Even now, with the dim light of a bedside lamp illuminating the other boy, it was difficult for Holden not to act of his instincts. Holden pulled off his own shirt but remained in his boyfriend's sweats, something that felt oddly comforting now that he considered it.

"Come here." Sean whispered, voice course in its sparseness.

Holden did so, and Sean pulled him in. He felt every inch of muscle pressed against his skin, hard and yet soft, callused fingers running along his shoulder blades and down to his hips.

"I love you." Sean whispered against his hair, and Holden felt his heart leaping into his throat.

"I…I love you too." Holden whispered, and now he was clinging to Sean for fear of his knees giving out beneath him.

Sean moved then, turning and lowering Holden onto his bed before clicking off the light. It wasn't erotic, the look he caught in the football player's eyes just before the light left the room. It was something Holden hadn't seen before. Then Sean was on top of him, rolling onto his side and pulling Holden against his chest. He buried his face in the larger boy's chest, breathing in the familiar scent of pine and musk that always exuded from the other. It was comforting, and he thought maybe if he stayed here like this forever, all the pain may cease to exist.


	13. Chapter 13

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Thirteen

Sorry that it's been so long! I'm really happy with all of the stuff I covered in this chapter, and I hope that it's conveyed as well as I tried for it to be!

Note: Jason Morris is Topher Grace in the film.

* * *

Holden couldn't fathom how things had turned so ugly so fast. Standing here, looking right into her eyes, he realized that everything he thought he knew, everything he had trusted, was a lie.

The weekend was amazing. Sean's dad was this really manly dude who loved football at least as much as his son, and for the most part seemed rather easy going. Of course Sean's mom remained hospitable; if Holden's brow creased in the slightest, she was upon it, asking if she could get him anything. It was the life he could picture himself having years from now, with family around him that cared for him. But he was cautious; this wasn't his family, and he shouldn't pretend any different.

Sunday was when he got the call. It was Julia, asking him if he had talked to Kate. She seemed distressed, a rare occurrence for the girl.

"What's wrong?" Holden asked, taking a seat on Sean's bed as the other boy watched him with a creased brow.

"Kate, she….she isn't who we thought she was." Julia said, and Holden forced back the urge to question the legitimacy of her statement.

"What do you mean?" He settled on asking.

"Holden, she's…people knew about you a long time before you and Sean came out."

"What?" He questioned. Julia had to have been misinformed; there was no way that Kate, his best friend for years, would tell anyone.

"She's said stuff about all of us. She's told people I'm this big whore, that I sext guys all the time and am this huge tease. Sean, she's told people that he's just using you, that he probably hooks up with girls on the weekends and stuff. She's been telling people that she has no idea why you two are together; she says he could do a lot better."  
"I don't think she would say that, Kate." But as he replied, his phone began to beep. Harrison was calling him.

"Just a second Julia, Harrison is calling me." Holden informed her.

"Oh I forgot about Harrison! Just wait until he tells you what's gone down."

Holden sighed, putting Julia on hold and answering the other call.

"Hey, Harrison, Julia's on the other line."

"Connect us." He said, practically demanding.

Holden did so, eyeing Sean in the process. The other boy was sitting in a chair, watching the conversation play out. His attention had piqued when he had heard Harrison's name, but now he was toying with a string attached to the cushion beneath him.

"Do you want me to put them on speaker?" Holden asked, covering the phone.

"No it's fine; you can just tell me later." Sean replied, and Holden shrugged, returning the phone to his ear.

"Holden, are you there?" Julia asked.

"Yeah, I'm here."

"Alright; Harrison, do you want to start this?"

"I guess. Okay, Holden, I know you're best friends with Kate, but she isn't who you thought she was. She isn't who any of us thought she was."

"Yeah, Julia already told me what she said, but surely that's all just a rumor."

"No, Holden, you don't understand; she told Marcus about you. She said that you have these fantasies about him, and that you always talking about wanting to have sex with him and how hot he is, and that's why he spray-painted that thing on your locker. She has been talking shit on all of us for a long time now."

"W-What?" Holden asked, not comprehending what Harrison had said. He remembered the words vividly; Marcus was on the football team, and yes, he was a very attractive broad-shouldered boy that Holden wouldn't have turned down on a cold night prior to being with Sean. But he had never vocalized this to Kate, and he wasn't obsessed with him by any means as she had made him out to be. "How did you find this out?"

"It's a really long story; Kate's been posting stuff on Facebook about all of us, and has had little groups set up that talk about how big of sluts certain people are or whether or not a certain person is gay or is one person has slept with another. It's twisted, Holden."

"I don't know if I believe this." He replied. He thought about all of the times he had shared with Kate, all of the secrets he had entrusted to her.

"I was called into the office by Mrs. Wright on Friday; apparently things have gotten so out of hand that some guys on the football team were gonna beat me up pretty bad. Kate started a rumor that I was jealous of you, and that I was going to sleep with every guy on the football team." Harrison said.

Holden knew that Harrison wouldn't lie. He felt his head spinning, a heated rage taking over him. "That…bitch." It was all that he could manage to say, and he noticed Sean's alerted shift in position at his words.

"I told you, Holden! She needs to be stopped. I've already told multiple people what she's said about them; I was able to get one of the members of the computer geeks to hack into her Facebook account and see what she's been posting in these little groups of hers. I was going to tell you sooner, but I wanted to make sure everything was right." Julia said.

"It's all true, Holden. It seems straight out of a damn movie, but it's true." Harrison said.

And with those words, Holden realized that he had lost his best friend.

* * *

Sean was pissed. He was pissed at Marcus, for spray painting Holden's locker. He was kind of pissed at Harrison for not telling him sooner. But more than anything, he was pissed at Kate for everything she had said. After Holden had told him, he could see a powerful fury taking over the other boy, and he had to physically calm him down from going to Kate's house and lighting it on fire or something.

Monday came around, and Sean had settled down a little bit. Holden had convinced him not to make a scene out of anything, and that they should just play it off like nothing had happened. Of course, Holden wasn't surprised when he was called to Mrs. Wright's office during second hour.

"I'm guessing you know what's been going on." She said.

Holden nodded from the seat across the desk from her.

"I'd like you to know that it's under control, and that she has been stopped. Normally, I wouldn't be able to interfere with out of school matters like this, but everything has grown so out of control that I was forced to step in. Know that you have nothing else to worry about."  
"How long has this been going on?" He asked, feeling more comfortable with her since their last talk.

"For the majority of this school year; did you have any knowledge of this, Holden?"

"No; Kate and I were best friends, and I honestly didn't think anything could change that."

"I have to ask you to not ostracize her, Holden."

"What?"

"I know that she hurt you and all of your friends, but it's considering bullying to treat someone that way, no matter whether or not it's warranted."

"So you're asking me to act like nothing's wrong?" Holden questioned, perplexed by her request.

"No; you don't have to be friends with her, but don't gang up on her is all I'm asking."

Holden considered her words, and then nodded. He doubted that he could abide by this request, but he could try.

* * *

It was impossible. He saw her as he was walking with Sean to his truck after school. She was in their path, not seeming to know that they would be forced to walk past her to leave. No one stood around her, which made him oddly glad. He knew he shouldn't take this much joy in her suffering, but she hadn't earned sympathy.

"Go ahead; I'm gonna talk to her." Holden told Sean, who seemed on edge upon spotting Kate.

"You sure you don't want me there?" He asked.

"She's not a guy, Sean; I think I can take her if she tries to attack me."  
Sean snorted a laugh, and then continued past her. Holden stopped, and she turned toward him, seeming to just now realize he was there.

"Do you have anything to say?" He asked.

"No, not really." She replied, and he felt his stomach turn. It really was over.

"You don't think I at least deserve an apology for what you said?" He asked.

"No, I don't Holden, and you know why? All of our friends talk about each other. It's not like I did any different, and yet you all gang up on me? That's not fair. I hate drama, and you know that. I'm trying to avoid it, and if that means avoiding you, I'll do it."

"What are you even talking about? Our friends talk about each other when get in fights, yes, but who doesn't? You made up _lies_, Kate! You started Facebook groups about us? You really think you did nothing wrong?"

"I'm done with this." She replied, and with that she turned, walking over to Jason Morris. She grabbed his hand, intertwining their fingers as he flashed a smile and they walked to his car. Holden's stomach felt sick as he realized why she was so apathetic about saving their friendship now.

* * *

"I need to talk to you about something."

Holden turned to Sean as they rode in his truck to his house; it was a thirty minute drive, so whatever he was about to say was going to have ample time for conversation.

"What is it?" Holden asked, absentmindedly reaching out to touch Sean's free hand on the arm rest, but the other boy flinched away. "What's wrong, Sean?"

"Holden, with all of this going on…I…well, I just think that there's so much drama, and everyone is mad and the whole school is kind of up in arms about what Kate did…"

"Sean, just tell me." Holden interrupted, sick of the waiting. He had survived a terrible day at school, and this boy was really his remaining life line, so he would rather not have him tip toe around his thoughts.

"I don't think we should be together right now."

If Holden's stomach had turned all day, it was now at the brink of implosion. His vision got foggy, and he pulled his hand from the armrest as though it had been burning hot.

"I still love you, Holden, but it's just that it would be best if we didn't draw attention to ourselves with everyone on edge like this. You can still stay with me and everything; nothing has to change, except I think that we just need to take a break and cool down. We've been moving really fast anyway."

"You're scared." Holden managed out. He was gnawing at the inside of his cheek, just waiting to taste warm liquid.

"What?" Sean asked.

"You're a scared little boy who is suddenly afraid of offending people! Well guess what, Sean? It's a little late to take back being gay; you can't exactly walk back into the closet!"

"Dammit, Holden, it's not like that. I want to be with you, it's just that I don't want you getting hurt because people are pissed at Kate and want to take out their anger on someone. It'd be really easier to make the gay kids a target."  
"You keep giving me these excuses, but it doesn't change anything. Maybe if you had thought this before Homecoming, it would be different. But people know, and if they feel like beating up a gay kid, they're going to do it whether or not he's single or in a relationship."

"Holden…lord, why does this have to be so difficult with you?"

He was getting frustrated, Holden could tell. But he was too pissed to care.  
"Whatever, Sean; if you want to break up with me, then it's done. I'll leave your house as soon as we get there."  
"You don't have to do that." Sean's voice had lost a bit of its edge, and it made Holden's heart ache a little more.

"Yeah, I do. It's whatever, Sean. You don't want to be a couple, then we don't have to be a couple."

Holden turned to the window, and despite Sean's gaze and lingering presence beside him, they didn't speak for the rest of the ride.


	14. Chapter 14

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Fourteen

Wow, this chapter flew by for me! I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please review; I use them for survival :)

P.S. I'm Introducing a new character, and since the film is bursting with famous actors, I thought I'd cast this one as well:

Brian - Channing Tatum

Also, Liz is Anne Hathaway in the film if anyone forgot; I hope you all like this chapter!

* * *

Winter came with nearly a foot of snow, something unexpected by anyone in the area. Sean hadn't talked to Holden since the breakup, which made the lunch table conversations even more awkward. Not that lunch was at the top of his priority list: college scouts were sending him more and more letters, so he was going to have to decide soon where he was going to play college football at. Holden was always in his mind though, and he wanted to talk to him about this, about them and about whether or not he should keep the other boy in mind when choosing a school.

But this snow meant that that wasn't going to happen. School had been cancelled for the week; it was an uncharacteristic decision by the superintendent, but considering that the forecast was for temperatures in the teens and flurries throughout the week, it was justified. Sean spent the week either holed up in the home gym or watching Sports Center; just because their little town was buried in snow didn't mean that the rest of the country wasn't in full swing, and that included football.

His mom questioned him often about Holden, and why he was so down. He dodged her questions as well as he could; he was used to not opening up, so it wasn't all that difficult. His dad was a different story, though. While Mr. Jackson had yet to seem comfortable with his son's sexuality, Sean was vulnerable to his stern voice and demanding gaze. He usually only brought both out when his wife was concerned for the well-being of their son, but with as much as she was worrying over him, Sean prayed every day that his dad wouldn't bring up anything when he was spotting him on his bench press.

Friday came faster than Sean had expected, and then it was the weekend. The snow cleared off gradually, and Sean got a call from Harrison Saturday about a party that Morley Clarkson – who else – was holding at her house with her parents stranded in Los Angeles on a business trip. Snow plows had fairly well cleared the roads, so Sean agreed to go.

Apparently everyone had missed each other all week, because by the time Sean and Harrison arrived, windows had been thrown open to blast music and people were already running around outside half-naked despite the climate.

"You sure you wanna do this?" Harrison asked with a chuckle.

"Yeah…I'm sick of thinking so much." Sean replied, climbing out of the car and heading inside.

Within the hour, Sean had knocked out five cups of beer, and was pouring himself a sixth. He could feel his inhibitions slipping, looking around to find girls everywhere in only their bras and panties, grinding on boys more than happy with their position. Times like these made Sean want to be straight, or at least bisexual; then maybe he could just have sex with enough girls to forget Holden. God knows that his coming out had hardly dented his sex appeal in the eyes of the cheerleaders.

Speaking of which, he felt an arm snaking its way around his torso, rubbing along his stomach and over his pecs. It was smaller and softer then he liked, and the voice that accompanied solidified his suspicions.

"Hey, sexy." Liz Curran whispered, on her tip toes in an attempt to reach his ear. Sean was too tall though, so she seemed to settle on nuzzling his shoulder blade.

"What do you want, Liz?" Sean asked, finding the sentence more difficult to piece together than he had thought.  
"I think you know. I heard you and the gay kid broke up."

"_I'm_ gay, Liz." Sean emphasized, too drunk to be pissed at the label she had given Holden, despite the flare of rage that had caught in his chest. Liz's hands found their way to settle on his chest, smile bright but eyes scheming.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever; we all know you're just trying to get attention from those college scouts. What school wouldn't want the recognition of having one of the only out gay football players who's actually _good_?"

Sean shook his head. "That never even crossed my mind."

Liz's hand was now rubbing his jeans. It was doing nothing for him, especially with those damn eyes looking so manipulative. But he could try this; maybe it would help to get his mind off of Holden. Maybe he would even like being with a girl.

"So do you wanna go find a room, or what?" She asked, leaning up close to him, grinding her hips against his as she took his hand in his. He felt the ache of missing Holden's larger ones, and nodded without another thought. She smiled wide, turned, and led him through the crowd. Sean shoved drunken teenagers out of his way as they went, the alcohol shortening his fuse even more than when he was sober.

They found an empty room down a hallway further into the house, the other rooms already locked with various sounds coming from within. Liz grabbed his arm with surprising force and pushed him onto the large bed, Sean falling without a fight. She climbed atop him, pulling her shirt over her head and then leaning down to kiss him. It felt weird, having a girl's lips against his. Wrong almost, not feeling the stubble against his face; he forced himself onward regardless, gripping Liz's hips and rolling them over so that he was on top now, getting onto his knees. He yanked his shirt over his head, joining their lips again while she worked at unfastening his pants.

Then, Sean heard the door creak open. He got on his knees and turned; there was Holden, shoved up against the door frame with Brian Lanch's lips on his. Brian was a tennis player from a school nearby, and Sean had met him through various sporting events between their schools. The sight made Sean's blood boil; he completely forgot about Liz, stumbling off of the bed toward them. Neither boy seemed to notice the other two inhabitants of the room, and as Sean grabbed Brian's shoulder, spinning him around, shock only barely registered because the football player punched him in the face as hard as his muscles would allow.

"Sean, what the hell!" Holden snapped, getting on his knees beside Brian, who was groaning and clutching his face.

"No, what the hell to you, Holden! We've been broken up for what, a few weeks? You're already making out with this other dude?" Sean questioned, shaking his hand as pain began to swell within the appendage.

"Well it doesn't seem like you're wasting any time either!" Holden retorted, eyeing Liz, who was now sitting up in the bed with a twisted sort of humorous look on her face.

"That's…it's not the same…" Sean replied, looking down as he was caught in his hypocrisy.

"How is it _not_? It looks to me like you were about to get it on if I hadn't stumbled in here."

"Dammit, Holden, I just wanted to feel _something_! I'm so sick of thinking about you all the damn time!" Sean yelled, and he knew he was getting too loud.

"I'm not talking to you about this right now; you're trashed. If you want to talk, I guess you can text me or something. Just don't drive home, alright?" Holden replied, helping a completely stunned Brian to his feet.

"Whatever, Holden; nothing's going to change." Sean said, turning back toward Liz, not sure why but just sick of looking at Holden.

"You're right, Sean, it's not. You're the one who broke up with me; I didn't want this. I was in love with you. I still…"

"Hey gay boy, don't you need to get your new squeeze some ice?" Liz interrupted.

Holden looked over at her, brow furrowing at her comment. He helped Brian along nonetheless, the larger boy seeming to gain his balance with each passing step. Sean was frozen in his steps as they left, and Liz climbed off the bed, walking over to the door and pushing it shut before turning the lock.

"Okay, where were we?" Her hands moved along Sean's bare stomach, nails scraping along the muscle.

"You were leaving."  
"What?" She questioned, hands fleeting as quickly as they had come. Sean turned toward her, the final traces of his rage channeling toward her.

"You're a whore, Liz. Go spread your legs for someone else; I don't want it."

"Fine; I knew you were a faggot anyway." She snapped, grabbing her shirt and pulling it over her head haphazardly before storming to the door, trying to pull it open before realizing that it was still locked.

"Hey Liz," She turned to him as she unlocked the door. "If you ever call Holden anything again, I'll snap your skinny little bitch body in half. Got it?"

"Go screw yourself." She replied, stomping out of the room.

Sean took a seat on the bed, putting his face in his hands. How the hell had he managed to screw up his life so severely?

The weekend ended faster than Sean had wished, due mostly to the majority of Sunday being used as a day to recover from a severe hangover. His hand hurt like hell, too, which made working out a laborious task. So he was kind of glad to get back into school…until he saw Brian with Holden in the parking lot after school. He didn't approach them, not wanting to make a scene in front of everyone, but it made his stomach lurch and his head hurt as he watched Brian stand just a little too close to Holden and graze his arm with his fingers.

Sean drove home, thinking that Christmas break couldn't get here fast enough. That was, of course, until Harrison texted him about the winter dance being held by student council. It was unlikely that Holden was going to show up; he only started going to football games once they had started dating, and Kate was in student council, so he was sure to want to avoid anything involving her. So Sean agreed to go; he definitely didn't have any other plans for Friday night.

As he was heading down the stairs on Friday night to go, dressed in a plaid shirt and dark jeans, he halted at the sound of his dad's voice.

"Sean, can we talk to you for a moment?"

Sean walked into the living room where they sat, taking a seat on the couch. "Yeah?"

"Honey, what's going on with Holden? I certainly miss him, and while your dad hasn't gotten to meet him yet, he is concerned about you always being in such a sad mood."

Sean sighed, looking over at his dad. He wished he hadn't, because his dad was looking at him in that way, and before he knew it, the words came pouring out.

"I ended it. A bunch of stuff went down with this girl at school, and I just didn't want him to get hurt. But I…I miss him."

"Then why don't you go after him, dear?" His mom suggested.

"It's not that easy, Mom; at Morley's party the other night, he was with this other guy, a tennis player from another school."

"And you're going to let him stop you? Son, I raised you to go after what you want, and if you want this Holden boy, you need to go for it." His dad said, and Sean looked back over at him and found a strength that he could only see through the encouragement of his father. "If I hadn't been kept with business during Holden's stay here, I'm sure I would've seen what your mom saw, and that's you happier than you've ever been. Why would you want to let that get away?"

Sean nodded, motivated now more than ever. "I need to get to the dance." He said, standing.

His mom nodded, and he headed toward the door. He stopped before opening it, and turned back to his parents.

"Hey…thanks for everything. You know, loving me and stuff."

"Of course, honey."

The car ride to the dance was filled with thoughts about Holden set to Arcade Fire, the perfect soundtrack for Sean's introspection. He got to the dance too soon, not ready to abandon the comforting shell of his car. But then Harrison was pounding on his window with a particularly lively expression on his face, so Sean got out, prepared to have as much fun as possible at a school dance.

Once inside, Sean's mind was numbed by the blasting of Top 40 songs that he was all too familiar with. The two boys paid the three dollars necessary to get in, and headed into the gym. There were a sparse number of students there, only a small group dancing. However, Sean noticed these people to be some of his friends, so he motioned for them to join the group. But of course, Sean didn't notice that the person dancing the most wild out of all of them was Holden.

"Hey, Sean!" Julia said over the loud music, clothed in a short red dress that looked dazzling on her. She grabbed Harrison's hands instead of giving a proper greeting, and began to dance with him over the throbbing beats of the next song. Sean eyed Holden, who was still dancing but seemed a little less enthused than before.

"Come on, Sean; dance!" Harrison said, moving with Julia in a thankfully non-grinding way. Sean hated when couples thought they could get nasty just because the lights were down, like everyone else wanted to see it. He noticed the song to be Lady Gaga, and considering that she was pretty much the queen of the gays, he figured he should at least _try _to dance. Of course it didn't go as well as planned, but he was thankful to be in a crowd where his actions looked less obnoxious.

Julia stopped dancing after several songs and moved toward Holden, telling him something. Holden nodded and walked off toward the student council room, which was past the double doors of the gym and up a flight of stairs. Sean listened for the next song to play, and recognized it to be some stupid rap song; one that he was sure would involve plenty of grinding from the other jocks and the girls. It was an excuse enough for him to get out of the room, so he followed Holden's path to the student council room.

As he entered the large room, looking more like a storage area than an actual classroom, he spotted Holden grabbing some cups from a cupboard in the back. Holden turned as he heard the door close, and Sean realized that nearly all of the music was blocked out now. It was just them, just silence.

"What are you doing in here?" Holden asked, immediately returning to the task of getting extra cups from various boxes.

"Holden, I just walk to talk to you. I'm…I'm sorry for what happened last weekend."  
"Brian's a nice guy, you know. He's sweet, and if he hadn't drunk a bit too much he probably wouldn't have had me pinned against that door." Holden said, the edge to his voice blunting slightly. Sean took another step across the wide expanse separating them. It was a damn annoying metaphor for the current moment.

"I know he is, and I'm sorry. Tell him I'm sorry too." Silence followed, and Sean took it as his cue to continue. "Are you two…together?"

Holden shrugged, and then he turned, seeming to have as many cups as he needed. "I don't know; we just got to talking and I…I needed someone to talk to and he was there." He began to walk forward, attempting to leave, but Sean blocked his path.

"Holden, please…I'm sorry I did this. I want us to be us again. What we had, I can't just let something like that go because of other people." He took another step forward, and their bodies were almost touching, the cups cradled in Holden's arms the only thing keeping them apart.

"Sean, you just dumped me. You thought things were getting too difficult, so you hit the eject button. I'm kind of a pushover, but I refuse to be the one who's here waiting no matter what. And what the hell was that with Liz at the party?"

Sean sighed, catching Holden's walls coming back into place as he fully recalled last weekend. "It was nothing. I was just trying to get my mind off of you, and there were no guys around. She was all over me, and I was drunk and it just seemed easy. And the only reason I broke up with you is because I was concerned about _you_. I was worried that you were going to get hurt. But I need to be more selfish, I guess. I think we both deserve to be happy, and I think the only way that's going to happen for me is to be with you." He reached out, touching Holden's arm. Holden didn't flinch like Sean thought he would, which was a good sign.

"Sean…" He began, but Sean stopped him, not wanting excuses, not wanting anything to stand between them now. He grabbed the cups from Holden's arms, setting them on the table beside them. He cupped Holden's face in his hands; it felt better than he had remembered. Holden's eyes were melting of conflict, and Sean leaned in before another word could be said, capturing the other boy's lips against his.

It was flawless, everything that he wanted it to be. Holden's hands, cautious, pressed against Sean's chest, large palms feeling right against him. Sean deepened the kiss, hands moving to Holden's hips and pulling them even closer. Holden kissed back, arms moving to encircle Sean's neck and pull him down. Sean went with it, hands working their way to his shirt, unbuttoning the clothing as quickly as he could. Holden shoved it from his shoulders as soon as he could, leaving Sean in a plain white t-shirt.

Sean began to unbutton Holden's flannel, but as he did, pressing their chests together, Holden pulled back.

"I-I…we can't do this, Sean. Not here and not right now." He hastily re-buttoned his shirt, Sean just standing there in shock.

"What are you doing? I thought…"  
"Sean, I…you know how I feel about you. But we need to take this slow. I mean when we broke up, you said we had moved too fast. I hardly think having sex in the student council room constitutes as slowing down."

Sean sighed and pulling his shirt back on, buttoning it. "Are you still going to see Brian?"  
"I don't know, Sean, maybe. Maybe he's going to ask me out and maybe I'm going to go on a date with him. Maybe I'll say no, or maybe he just won't ask me. Honestly, I think we both just need to wrap our heads around what we are to each other."  
"I know what you are to me, Holden! I love you!" Sean snapped, stepping closer to Holden, but the other boy sidestepped him this time.

"And I love you too, but maybe there's more to it. Maybe we just need to take a breather and figure everything out."  
"And dating other people is gonna change that?" Sean questioned, watching Holden move around him toward the exit.

"Feel free to do the same, Sean; you're the frigging star football player, I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there that would jump at the chance to go out with you. I'm sure there are plenty of girls too."  
"I'm not bi, Holden." Sean said sternly.

"Whatever, Sean, it doesn't matter to me. If you like girls, then you like girls. It doesn't change anything. Date other people, go hang out with some of your guy friends, I don't know. Just don't keep trying to get back with me, at least right now." The door was propped open now by Holden's back, and music began to flood into the room.

"So what, you're just leaving us like this; up in the air?" Sean asked, incredulous.

"I guess so, Sean. I love you, but we both need to let go. If we find ourselves together again, then I'm not going to fight it. But for right now, we're just two people trying to figure things out."  
And then he left Sean there, alone just the way he had begun the night. How damn ironic.


	15. Chapter 15

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Fifteen

Well this chapter took me a while to write; my apologies, but I ended up adding a lot more than planned! I hope you enjoy it nonetheless :)

* * *

Holden was grateful for Christmas break; ever since the dance, he had found it difficult to not jump right onto Sean every time he saw him. Especially with that stupid gaze he kept shooting him that made him totally want to jump his bones; stupid football players and their hotness. After deciding to leave Sean's house, Reed had found out and had welcomed Holden into his home; the kid could have taken in the whole town and still had money to spend, so Holden didn't feel too bad for imposing.

He was actually hanging out a lot with Reed now; the other boy was nice and of course popular, so being around him meant a limited amount of social torment. Reed's parents were rarely home, and every weekend meant a party at least one night, so that meant Holden was drinking far more alcohol than was healthy. And that's when he met Brian. Well, sort of.

* * *

The party Reed was holding had gotten more wild than usual, so Holden had settled at a seat in the kitchen, trying to get drunk enough that Sean would stop popping into his mind. That was when he had heard a voice behind him.

"You wanna dance?"

He turned, and behind him was a boy he had never seen before; built strong with short light brown hair. His figure was a bit softer than Sean's, but he was just as muscular. And so of course he was hot.

"What?" Holden asked, alcohol slipping up his articulation.

The boy got closer, placing a hand on the bar beside Holden and leaning in. "I asked if you wanted to dance."

The words were soft but not hostile, instead coming off as cloying; inviting, even.

"You do realize I'm a guy, right?" Holden asked, unsure why this jock he had never met would be messing with his head.

It earned a deep chuckle from the boy, who leaning back up straight. "Whatever, I guess I had you wrong."

He started to walk away, but Holden stood to follow him. The guy seemed to actually not be trying to screw with him. He was dizzier than he had expected, however, and he stumbled. With a grunt, he felt himself grasped by strong hands, face against a powerful chest.

"Dude, you should definitely lay off the alcohol." The boy said, the same boy he had been speaking to. Holden tried to stand up straight, but the room was spinning, the dance floor of the living room looking like it was at a sharp angle.

"I…I just need to move on." Holden grumbled, turning to reach for his cup undeterred. Apparently his hand missed the cup, because when he went to take a drink, there was nothing in his grasp. Then, a hand was on him again, one grasping his own hand so that he could be pulled against the warm side of the boy.

"We need to get you somewhere where you can lie down." The boy said, arm going around Holden's waist and moving them both away from the pounding music.

They walked down a hallway that Holden didn't really remember; it was dim and there were loud noises coming from the bedrooms. They found an empty one, and the boy set Holden down on the bed. Holden overestimated the strength in his body, because as soon as he was forced to hold himself up on his own, he collapsed like a limp noodle on the bed. The pressure of the other boy sitting beside him was all that signaled to Holden that he wasn't alone now.

"I doubt you'll remember, but my name's Brian."

"Are you gay?" Holden asked. Something triggered in his mind that told him he shouldn't really be asking that, but it diminished with the boy's chuckle, that same deep sound.

"Yeah, I like dudes. What about you?"

"Guys are hot." Holden mumbled, rolling closer the boy. He felt a hand drifting along his side, but when he went to grasp it, the hand was on his face, running along his cheek before disappearing completely.

"You're cute." Brian said, and Holden smiled really big, because he loved it when anyone would tell him that. Someone used to tell him that a lot, but he couldn't quite remember the name. "When you said that about needing to move on…what did you mean?"  
"I said that?" Holden asked, looking up now at the face he realized was attached to a body sitting beside him. This guy was _really_ hot. Brian sighed, and then grabbed something off of a table nearby. He was writing something down, and then Holden felt his hand at his side, pushing something small into his pocket.

"Call me whenever you're not drunk. I like you." Holden smiled wide at these words, and it earned him another laugh. "Do you need a ride home?"  
Holden shook his head. "No, no…I live here."

"Oh, you live with Reed Bennett?" Brian asked.

"Yep! It's…well it's a big long story." Holden replied.

"Oh…well I hope you can tell me when you're not trashed. Will you be okay in here by yourself?"  
"Yes I will!" Holden replied happily, because just being around another guy who had an interest in him made him happy. Brian smiled, touched his face again briefly, and then he was gone. Holden was passed out within seconds.

* * *

After awakening the next morning to a throbbing head and little recollection of the previous night, Holden found a note in his pocket with a phone number scribbled on it. This was a catalyst to his memories, flooding his brain with the boy from the previous night. After helping Reed clean up the demolished house, Holden dialed the number.

"Hello?" The deep voice came over the line after a few rings.

"Hey…it's Holden." He said, taking a seat on his bed.

"Who?"

"Well, I guess I didn't tell you my name. I'm the…well, I the drunken guy from last night." Holden replied, turning a bit red at the description he gave himself.

"Oh okay. Holden, huh? That's a nice name." He replied, and Holden smiled despite himself, lying back on the mattress. "So do you remember my name?"

"Brian, isn't it?" Holden asked.

"I guess you weren't as drunk as I thought. Well, Holden, if you're calling me then I guess it's safe to say you're at least a bit interested?"

"Yeah, I guess I am." Holden answered, trying to stifle the thoughts of Sean that came to the forefront of his mind.

"Well then I guess I should ask you out. How about we hit up Cheddar's around seven next weekend?" Brian's words were assured, like he didn't know Holden's answer but would be fine either way.

"Yeah, sure." Holden replied.

"Good. I'll pick you up around 6:30. You gonna still be living at Reed's then?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I'll call you if anything changes."

"Alright then. Oh, and Holden?"

"Yeah?"

"I can't wait."

* * *

It was refreshing to be able to go on an actual date. Holden realized that, as he was getting dressed, he had never publicly gone on a date with Sean. Sure, they could have after both of them had come out, but the idea had never come to him. He left a button undone on his button-up plaid shirt, and shaved just enough of his face with an electric shaver to give him a good scruff. He thought he looked pretty great if he were to be honest, but was more euphoric about the opportunity to just get out of the house and go on an actual date.

Brian arrived at exactly 6:30, pulling up in a sleek black Hummer. Of course he was rich.

"You look amazing." Brian said as he climbed into the vehicle. The other boy was dressed in a bright plaid shirt, which accommodated Holden's darker one. His muscles were prominent even beneath the clothing, and Holden found himself returning the sentiment without really registering that he was speaking.

Cheddar's was packed, as to be expected for a Friday night. Luckily, Brian had scored reservations, and they were seated in a booth near the middle of the restaurant.

"So what's up with you, Holden?" Brian asked as they sipped on their beverages.

"What do you mean?" He still felt stiff in his seat, unable to really relax around the other boy.

"Well, what are you into? I mean, I play tennis, and when it's the off-season, I'm practicing for the season to start again. I wanna know what you spend all of your time doing."

"Well, I'm president of FBLA, which takes up a lot of my time. We're planning on going to this big business expo in a few weeks, and we try to get new ideas around school about local businesses. I go to the gym several days a week, and I'm in all upper level classes, so I don't really have a lot of spare time during the week. I guess there's not a whole lot that really gets me going." Holden replied, realizing how utterly boring he seemed.

Brian seemed interested regardless, listening carefully and nodding when he was done. "Well, you seemed like you liked talking about FBLA. I noticed you kinda leaned up and got into it."

"Yeah, I guess I do like talking about business and the economy and stuff. It just fascinates me how corporations and even small businesses operate."

Brian granted him a smile, and Holden stifled a blush. "Looks like you've found your passion. I could totally see you going places, Holden. If this whole dating stuff doesn't work out, I at least want a business card."

"Pshh, whatever. You're totally gonna be busy at Wimbledon in a few years."

Their food arrived shortly, and Holden found himself less self-conscious now. They exchanged words easily, and Holden came to learn a lot about Brian. His favorite show was "Sons of Anarchy", he confessed to having read _The Hunger Games_ six times each, and had spent the past summer following The Black Keys on tour. He was fascinated by Holden's obsession with "Gossip Girl", and was interested in him. It was nice having a guy to just talk to; even if this didn't evolve into anything, he would at least get a good friend out of it.

The two boys stayed late, time passing like a cool breeze, nice but unnoticed. Brian grabbed the check coolly as it arrived on the table, not giving Holden a questioning glance as he paid for both of their meals. As they left, Holden checked his phone to find that it was almost nine; time had seemed to vanish. However, as they stepped outside into the cold air, everything froze in the moment.

"Holden?"

He turned, recognizing the voice but unable to fully believe it. His eyes didn't deceive his sight; just as they were walking out, his parents were walking in. His mother had been the one to speak, eyes nearly bulging from her head as she looked at him.

"Mom…Dad." Holden acknowledged, feeling Brian's presence and thankful for it more than ever in that moment. His dad had an odd presence about him; he stood with shoulders more bent forward than he used to, and he was holding his mom's hand tightly against his side, in a way Holden had never seen.

"Holden…we need to talk to you." His dad said, and Holden felt like stones were being dropped onto his head, cement locking him in place.

"I think…I think you said enough the last time I saw you." Holden whispered. He wanted those words to be filled with anger and rebellion, full of independence. Instead they sounded in his ear with nothing more than meekness.

"That's…well, that's the thing, honey. We need to talk to you about happened. It wasn't your fault." His mom said, beginning to reach out but seeming to think better of it.

"I'm glad you realized what I knew this whole time." He replied, gaining a bit of courage. He felt Brian's fingers grazing the small of his back, urging him onward.

"Son, please just sit down and talk with us." Holden broke at his father's words. No apologies, no promises to make amends. But the tone of his voice carried a weight like none Holden had heard, and when he looked into his father's eyes, he could a pain that he had felt that night. So he turned to Brian.

"Are you okay with me going with them?" Brian nodded, offering a smile.

"If I'd known you were just gonna eat again, I wouldn't have paid for your meal."

Holden smiled despite the situation, and with a light graze of their fingers, Brian was leaving. Holden turned back to his parents, who seemed to be waiting patiently.

"Are we going to go in?" He asked. His mom nodded, and he led the way back inside the restaurant.

He sipped at the water he had ordered, and waited for his parents to speak. He wasn't going to be the one to instigate this; not when they had broken him so thoroughly.

"What happened to Sean?" His mom asked.

"That's really the first thing you ask me, after all these weeks?" He countered, and then felt a pang of guilt at the pain in her eyes. "We broke up. Well, he broke up with me."  
"He's an idiot, then." His dad said out of nowhere, taking a swig of his Coke. Holden nearly flinched in surprise at his dad's words, but he continued before Holden could dwell on it. "Holden, I…I'd like to say I'm sorry." He was leaning forward now, eyes gripping Holden's.

"You hurt me, Dad…" Holden whispered, but he still couldn't look away.

"Honey…" His mom practically sobbed, but his dad silenced her with a _shh._

"I need to say this. Holden, I don't care who you want to be with. In that moment, I was so shocked, and your grandpa, he wasn't exactly open-minded. I reverted back to his ways, and that wasn't me speaking that night. Your mother, she didn't know what to do, because neither of us saw this coming. We love you, Holden, but my stupid pride kept me from speaking to you earlier about this. I'm so, so sorry for everything that I've put you through. We're lucky to have a son like you; you love so much, and care about others, and I just…dammit, Holden, I don't care what people try to tell me, being gay can't be wrong. Not when someone like you is."

Holden was biting his lip hard by the end of that, and his dad had reached out to touch his hand. "Will you forgive me?" His dad added in a whisper. Holden lost it, tears rolling down his cheeks in the middle of the restaurant. Surely people were looking, but Holden just couldn't handle this. He nodded hard, hoping it was distinguishable. Then he felt his mom's arms around him, pulling him close. He let her, clutching her with one arm as he grabbed his dad's hand with his free one.

Finally, he managed to compose himself in time for the food to arrive for his parents. His mom remained sitting beside him, and he sat close to her. She kept telling him how sorry she was as well, for not chasing after him and not trying to reach out sooner. He forgave her too, and his parents ate while he relaxed, feeling a massive burden lifted from his shoulders that he had gotten so used to holding.

"Will you move back in, Son? Everything is just as you left it." His dad asked, and Holden realized that he seriously didn't know what his son's answer would be.

"Of course, Dad. Can you guys drive me by Reed Bennett's house so I can get my car?"

They nodded, and he sighed, his mother grabbing his hand.

"We love you, Son."

* * *

So Holden had kind of lied to Sean when he had said that he _might_ go on a date with Brian. The date had happened two weekends prior to the dance, and since then, they had been texting and talking a lot. Holden had actually invited him to the dance, but Brian had early morning practice that his trainer insisted upon, so he had passed.

Even now, lying in his old bed and watching his ceiling fan spin, he thought about Sean. Hopefully these two weeks of vacation would be his way of finally cutting the ripcord that seemed to tie him to the other boy. He could only hope.


	16. Chapter 16

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Sixteen

Well, it has been a really long time! I'm sorry that I couldn't get this up sooner, but I was just suffering from major writer's block. Hopefully this chapter was worth the wait; a lot of the ideas came to me at the same time, so I hope I executed them well.

* * *

As Holden stepped into the school, he felt like he had never left. Christmas vacation had flown by, and he considered briefly while walking to his locker why this had been. The snowless days had been filled with refreshing times with his parents, hours spent on the couch abusing their Netflix subscription. And then there was Brian.

With his parents now fully accepting him, Brian came over often, either hanging out at his house or taking him out to a movie or dinner. It was simple, just what Holden needed. He didn't have to think when he was around Brian, comfortable because the other boy was too. He could just relax and have an easy conversation about nothing in particular, could kiss him when he felt like it and cuddle when he wanted close company. Brian was good to him, and as much as Holden tried, he couldn't fathom a flaw in the other boy.

He stopped in front of his locker, unlocking it and pulling out the books he needed for first hour while shoving his bag into the small space.

"Hey, Holden."

He turned toward the voice and found Julia leaning against the locker nearest him. She looked stunning, curled hair pulled into a ponytail, a nice dark top accessorized with necklaces and a few glimmering bracelets.

"Hey, Julia; how have you been?" He asked, closing his locker and leaning against the closed space.

"Well obviously not as good as you, apparently." She replied, flashing a big smile.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come on, Holden, everyone is talking about you being with Brian Lanch, that super hot tennis player that has college scouts all over his back."

Holden averted his eyes then; he really shouldn't be surprised that word traveled so fast, even without school to serve as a catalyst.

* * *

The first day passed quickly; teachers didn't assign much homework as everyone was attempting to get back into the routine of school, so Holden spent the day catching up with friends. He learned all of the latest rumors, and by seventh hour he had found out Morley was dating Kelvin, Jason had broken up with Kate (oh sweet revenge), and Brian Lanch dating Holden Wilson was the biggest news of all. Crap.

He didn't see Sean all day, and ignored the odd feeling in his chest that came with it. He needed to get home and go out with Brian; the break had been perfect, just them and no one else to judge or analyze it all. No one to tell him that there was anything wrong with being comfortable.

He was walking to his car after school when he heard his name being called. He almost stopped, but then he realized who that voice was attached to, and continued the trek across the parking lot. He really was wishing that he had parked closer now. The voice continued, and he looked around the parking lot to find it deserted. He had stopped to talk to his English teacher about an essay, so of course it would be his luck that no one would be there to diffuse the situation.

He yanked his door open, but then it was slammed shut. He turned toward the force that had blocked his escape, and there was Sean Jackson, panting because he had run across the lot to reach him. His own heart felt like he had just run a marathon as their eyes locked, Sean's filled with a desperation that Holden couldn't focus upon.

"Holden, talk to me." He demanded, his hands planted on either side of Holden's car, trapping the smaller boy against the vehicle. Holden moved his eyes from Sean's, only to focus on the rippling muscle that bulged from the sleeve of his t-shirt. Where was all of the strength, the defenses he had established against this boy over the break?

"Sean…I'm seeing someone. You should know that." He replied, cursing himself inwardly for not being able to come up with a better reply.

"Yeah, I know, Brian Lanch. What the hell is up with that? Don't you think you've tortured me enough, Holden?" He questioned, trying to catch the other boy's gaze. Holden wouldn't have it, looking toward the ground.

"You didn't want me, Sean. You got scared, and you dumped me, so I moved on. It's not that easy to get over not being good enough."

"When did I _ever_ say you weren't good enough? I _love_ you, and dammit, that should be enough! I made a mistake, letting you go, but I only did it because I was trying to protect you. I told you at the dance it was a mistake, that I wanted you back and was sorry, but then you ran off and got with that douche bag!"

Holden jolted his head up then as anger surged through him. "Brian's a good guy, Sean. He's a hell of a better person than you."

Sean raised an eyebrow at this. "And that means he's right for you? I'll admit I've made mistakes Holden, but I don't know what you want me to do about it. I don't know what you want from me at all anymore."

"I want you to leave me alone and let me just be happy. I was happy during Christmas break. Brian's a really awesome guy."

Then Sean was leaning closer, and Holden could feel his warm breath on his face, his eyes intense. "Screw him! I was miserable, Holden. I hated every day I couldn't see you, and when I found out you were with him, I wanted to bash his face in. When are you gonna get over this and just let us be together?"

Holden shrugged. "I don't know, Sean. Maybe when I know for sure that you aren't going to pull away again. And maybe when I know that Brian isn't right for me, because right now, he seems pretty perfect."

"Oh really? Does he do everything that I made you do, Holden?" Sean asked, his eyes draining of rage and replaced with something else. His hand came up, moving along Holden's chest, down to his hip. Holden could feel his heart in his throat, breathing becoming even more difficult. "Does he make you blush when he touches you?"

Sean moved even closer now, pushing his knee between Holden's legs as their chests pressed together. Sean ground his hips forward, and Holden gasped. "Does he make you moan his name when you guys have sex? Does he touch you so that you can't stop begging for more?" He asked, and his hand had found its way up Holden's shirt, travelling along his stomach, thumb massaging the skin. Their foreheads were pressed together, and Sean was breathing steady, their lips brushing as he spoke, they were so close.

"Does he kiss you right between your shoulder blades right before he finishes? Does he say he loves you when you're done?" Holden couldn't even form a coherent thought now, hips moving against Sean's without his consent as Sean's hand braced them against the vehicle. Holden had parked far away from the school; if anyone saw them…

Then Sean was pushing their lips together, setting his whole world on fire. It sparked his senses alive in a way that he hadn't felt in so long, and he would have gasped if he wasn't busy urging Sean to kiss him harder. It was all too much, too overwhelming. His hands gripped Sean's t-shirt tight, the muscles moving beneath his fingers. Their hips still moved, denim rubbing hard as Sean's lips found his neck before returning to his lips. But then, it was over.

"That's what I thought." Sean replied, pulling away with a smirk that Holden hadn't seen in a long time. He couldn't even reply to that, thoughts unable to form from the mush that the other boy had created of his mind. "I'll be around, Holden. Whenever you want me back, I'll be waiting."

And then Sean Jackson was walking away, leaving Holden breathing hard against the vehicle.

* * *

After that evening in the parking lot, Sean didn't so much as look at Holden. It kind of drove him crazy actually; at school, he was used to earning a glance from the other boy, at the very least. But now he was left to just meander through the days of the week without much excitement. January and half of February passed far quicker than he had wanted, which left Holden feeling the pressures of the future more than ever. Evenings were filled with college plans, and when that didn't occupy his time, Brian did.

Brian was great. Supportive, fun, and willing to just sit there with him while he sifted through stacks of scholarships, something Holden probably took too lightly. Maybe that's why it came as a shock to him when Brian was refusing to come into his house, just standing there at the front door with this sort of distorted look on his face. They were supposed to be having a movie night at Holden's house, who had prepared by dressing in comfortable yet nice sweats and a t-shirt.

"What are we doing here, Holden?" Brian asked. Holden's immediate thoughts went to when he had wondered the same about his relationship with Sean, and now he could only shake his head, unsure how to respond.

"I don't know what you mean. We're dating, Brian. You're my boyfriend."

But Brian shook his head now, forehead creasing as he seemed to internally struggle with something. "I mean…what am I to you? What am I in context of your future? I mean are we planning on doing this for the long haul?"

And Holden realized now that maybe he hadn't perfected the balancing act the way that he had believed he had. He had become far too preoccupied by college, and had left Brian to just be his fling on the side. He thought about Sean, and how he had always made time for him. Being worried about the future was no excuse to neglect Brian.

"I'm sorry, Brian. I just…I don't know, I'm just sorry." He replied, but the other boy seemed unconvinced.

"I like you a lot, Holden, and I know you like me. I'm not insecure; I know I'm an awesome guy. I've been really patient about whatever's going on in your head about Sean, and I really thought you were in a good place during your break from school. But as soon as you went back, you started acting all caught up in something, and I know I'm better than being second choice to this other guy."

"You're not…I…" Why did this have to come up right now? Maybe if Holden had a chance to even _think_ about how he felt about Sean, he could offer a better response. Now he just felt like the biggest douche ever, trying unsuccessfully to convince this guy – one that a lot of other people would kill to have – that he really cared about him. Holden didn't know what to say to convince Brian that he actually cared about him, and maybe it was because he wasn't sure how to convince himself, even though he had every reason to be madly in love with this guy. But he couldn't lose Brian; not now, when he needed the other boy to keep him from going insane about Sean. So he did the only thing he could think of. He slept with him.

* * *

As if Holden wasn't busy enough, the Valentine's Day dance needed planning and decorating. After that night with Brian, Holden had felt better about being with the other boy. He had never really thought of himself as really sexual person, but maybe what he was missing wasn't so much Sean as just having a sex life. College now seemed like a distant dream, and without Sean hovering over him all that time with that smile, he could just relax and enjoy his senior year.

Taking a page from Katy Perry, Student Council decided to base the dance around a Candy Land theme, covering the gym with various props of sugar-based foods as well as preparing loads of cookies and candies for refreshments. It was enough give any normal person diabetes within an hour, and being the nervous eater that Holden was, he inhaled the extras every time he became particularly frustrated with the flakier of the Student Council members. The entire task of decorating the gym took all week, which made him really wish that they hadn't undertaken such an ambitious project.

It all seemed to pay off, though; the dance pulled in more students than any other dance so far during the school year. Holden had brought Brian along, although with so many people, there was much more maintenance to be done. This left Holden hurrying around, leaving Brian to hang out with Julia and Reed, both of whom were welcoming to have a new addition to the dancing group.

Holden was in the Student Council room searching for the extra cookies when the door opened and closed with a thud. He turned to find Kate standing there, looking like a complete mess. Her mascara streaked down her cheeks, her hair was disheveled, and her beautiful turquoise strapless dress had a large stain in the middle of it.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't think there was anyone up here. I'll just go…" She heaved out, and Holden felt his heart ache for her.

"No, Kate; stay." He replied, closing the distance between them. She turned back toward him, sniffing hard. "Just sit down." He offered, patting a chair. She took a seat, and he walked over to grab a box of Kleenexes from the teacher's desk. He took a seat beside her, handing the girl the box.

After blowing her nose and wiping her eyes, Kate finally managed to get her composure a bit. "You really don't have to be here. I've hurt you so badly, Holden. Honestly, I'm surprised you haven't punched me or something."

He snorted. "I don't hit girls. And yeah, I know you screwed me over pretty badly, which you still haven't apologized for, but you're still a human being, Kate."

"I am sorry, Holden. I just…I don't know, I guess I just got really bitter. My mom is spending all of her time with her new husband, and you got Sean, and I just felt like no one was there to listen."

"I would've been there for Kate, if I had known. I'm sorry that I didn't see you struggling." He replied, putting a hand on her knee. She covered it with her own, but couldn't look into his eyes.

"I know you would have, Holden. You were the best friend I could ever have asked for. I took that for granted all the time. Seeing you happy, I should have been happy for you, but I just felt so much anger, and I couldn't seem to get rid of it no matter what I did. And now look at me; I've completely destroyed my life."

"Well, in case it's any consolation, I forgive you. I've been through some crap too; not as bad as you, but I can imagine what it's been like. Do you wanna talk about it?"

She sighed, grabbing another Kleenex and wiping at her eyes, which only smeared the mascara more. "Jason broke up with me because he said I was getting too attached to him. We slept together, so naturally I felt like we were going to be together for a long time, if not the rest of our lives. I guess that was a really naïve thing for me to think, because he didn't feel the same way. I was heartbroken, and so I started looking for someone who could be there for me. I ended up talking a lot with Eric Rogers. He was just so nice, listening to all of my issues and telling me how I deserved better and one day I'd find a great guy. We started hooking up, but he was dating Morley Clarkson, and she came after me as soon as she found out. I'm surprised you didn't hear about it."

"I guess I've been too preoccupied with college and everything. I'm sorry, Kate."  
"Don't apologize; this is my entire fault. Morley told her friends, and that's why I look like this now. I just wanted to have fun at this dance, but as I was walking over to get a drink, a girl tossed her punch on me and called me a whore. They all joined in, just yelling at me and making a scene. I know I deserved it, but it's just really hard, you know?"

Holden nodded. "Of course. I mean, I went through a lot of bullying and stuff when I came out. It was easier with Sean there, but it was never easy. I'm sorry you've had to go through this alone."

"But I earned every second of it, Holden. You coming out, that's who you are; you shouldn't have to hide it. But I hurt people, a lot of people, and this is where it got me." She said, eyes averting to the ground.

Looking at Kate now, she looked like nothing more than a girl broken by the pressures of high school. She was different now than she had been months ago when Holden had confronted her in the parking lot. She had done some stupid things, but she didn't deserve this.

"We need to get you out of here." Holden said, standing and grabbing Kate's hand.

"I can't; Student Council members have to stay for the whole dance." She said weakly, not pulling away from his grasp.

"If you stay here, Morley and her friends will only make it hell for you. Come on; I'll take the blame." He urged, offering her a smile.

Kate returned it weakly and stood. Holden guided her out of the room and back to the dance. He noticed the shift in emotions as soon as Kate made another appearance. The way people eyed her disdainfully, how they started whispering as soon as she passed. How had he not caught this? He walked back over to his group of friends, who were dancing without a care. Brian looked especially ridiculous, throwing himself around to the beat of a Rihanna song. Holden grabbed him by the shoulder, and he turned, ceasing the dancing.

"I need to take Kate home." Holden said over the music.

"You can't leave, Holden; we have to stay and take all of the decorations down. Mrs. Altrist already said that if anyone leaves, they're going to get half of their points taken away for the dance." Reed said, leaning in. He looked at Kate with a bit of hesitance, but didn't comment.

"But she needs to go home; she's going to get hurt." Holden replied.

"Hey, is everything okay?"

Holden turned absentmindedly, only to feel his stomach drop. Sean was there, looking at their huddle curiously. He was probably wondering why Holden wasn't dancing his face off.

"Kate needs to go home, but none of us can leave because we're in Student Council." Reed said before Holden could dismiss him.

"I'll take her home." Sean offered suddenly, walking closer.

"No, I'll take her." Holden said quickly, grabbing Kate's hand again. She looked rather disoriented, busy searching for Morley in the crowd.

"Come on, Holden; there's no reason for you to take a blow to your GPA when I can just take her myself. This dance kinda blows anyway without anyone to dance with."

Holden didn't let the jab affect him, shrugging and allowing Sean to usher Kate away, toward the doors. He attempted to brush off the brief encounter with the other boy by allowing himself to be taken under by the music blasting from the speakers, but he just couldn't. Why did Sean have to make it so hard for Holden to stop loving him?


	17. Chapter 17

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Seventeen

Sorry it has been so long! I really wanted to figure where exactly I was taking this, even though I had the end result planned out. I hope that this was worth the wait, even if not a whole ton of stuff happens. I'll try to have the next update up in less time than it took me to get this one done.

* * *

Everything was beginning to come together. A few weeks after the Valentine's Day dance, Holden had gotten his acceptance letter from Berkeley, and was offered quite a large scholarship based on his academics. After this left him with peace of mind, other thoughts began to creep up upon him.

They came at the most inopportune times. Brian would have him pinned down to his bed, lips traveling across his jaw, and he would wonder about how he would traverse the large campus of Berkeley next year. They would be all twisted in his sheets during the early morning, and Holden would wonder whether or not he would need a toaster in his dorm. And then there were the times when they were right in the middle of sex, his nails finding purchase along Brian's clenched back, and Sean would appear in his mind. That was the one image that was the most difficult to get rid of, and the one that Holden was haunted by most often.

Even now, as mid-March settled in, he just felt like something wasn't right. It should be; Brian was the ideal boyfriend, and really he was perfect for a long term commitment. College was no longer an issue, and he was back to hanging out with Kate quite often, as well as continuing to have a strong bond with Julia and Reed. His parents had even given him access to his trust fund, now that he was old enough. While it only amounted to a few thousand dollars, it was far more than he was expecting, and plenty of money to be frivolous with. Yet there was this piece missing. It was like a tiny part of a puzzle, one that you wouldn't miss if you glanced at the full picture. But if you looked hard enough, it would become glaringly apparent. In fact, you would begin to view the whole picture as far less, because this piece now seemed so integral to its whole existence. And that's how Holden felt without Sean in his life.

There wasn't really much holding him back from returning to Sean's arms, when he thought about it. Just this thing called pride, which he really had far too much of anyway, and Brian's heart kind of being in his possession and everything. But if he wanted Sean bad enough, surely he would look past all of that and just go to him. Maybe he was just oversimplifying it. Maybe he didn't belong with Sean Jackson. He was really tired of worrying about it either way, which just left him disoriented so often that he was beginning to wonder what real understanding felt like.

* * *

Student Council needed to undertake a service project. Key Club had already done a blood drive, canned food drive, and highway cleanup, which left them looking like the most selfish group of students in the school. While this didn't bother any of them much, Mrs. Altrist was quite perturbed, which meant the rest of March would be spent in brainstorming.

Honestly, Holden hadn't thought they would come up with anything, and Mrs. Altrist would be content to just wade through the rest of the year with only Clash of the Classes left in early May. But then, on April Fool's Day, no less, Morley Clarkson spoke up.

"What if we do a charity auction, where we put all the football players and cheerleaders from this year up for money? Everyone has to bid, and whoever wins the person gets to spend an entire day with them. Then, we can give the money we raise to a children's hospital or something!"  
Of all the times in her damn life, why did she have to choose now to actually have an intelligent moment? Of course Mrs. Altrist perked up at this, and she wasn't the only one; every student in the room was now buzzing about the concept. Morley looked content with herself, which made Holden want to punch her in the face.

"That sounds like an amazing idea! I'll have to speak with the coaches about participation, but it looks like this is our service project. How does everyone feel about going with Morley's idea?"

Everyone nodded simultaneously, so Holden didn't even bother to argue. He thought about Sean standing up there on stage, subjected to the eyes of every person in the student body. It made this weird tingly thing happen in his chest, so he shoved it away and focused on what Mrs. Altrist was saying.

"…April 5?"

Everyone nodded in agreement once more, and Holden just felt like he was on the outside looking in.

* * *

"Consider this your way of finally dealing with your feelings." Kate said, curling her hair while sitting at her vanity. Holden crossed his legs on her bed, rubbing his leg absentmindedly.

"Well what if I don't _know_ what my feelings are?" He questioned.

"Do you love Brian?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I think so." Holden said quietly, realizing how unsure he sounded.

"Well, do you love Sean?" She asked now, ignoring how pathetic his tone had been.

"I don't know…" He mumbled, throwing himself back onto the bed, sighing deeply.

"Think of it this way: which one would you save from jumping off of a cliff?"

"How am I supposed to know? That would never happen."

Kate sighed, not bothering to mask her exasperation. "You have a week to find out, Holden. Then you'll have to either watch as some floozy girl or curious boy pulls Sean off to do God knows what, or you'll be spending a day reconnecting with your soul mate."  
"Soul mate?" He questioned, sitting back up to inquire further.

"Yeah, but that's just my opinion. Honestly, it's whatever you want to do."

* * *

The week passed far more quickly than was fair, leaving Holden still in limbo. So he settled on the safest possible option: he would not even consider betting on Sean. Everyone else could duke it out, and he would just sit back and think about Brian. Brian, the best boyfriend ever. Brian, the guy who had spent so many months being supportive and far more selfless than he needed to be. Brian, who wasn't Sean. Dammit; thinking was not working out so well.

The day arrived, and Holden helped usher all of the students toward their seats. The football players and cheerleaders were lined up on the stage, a podium for the announcer at the front. Mrs. Altrist would be announcing each student and settling any feuds about betting. The girls all sported short shorts and low cut t-shirts, while the guys wore shorts paired with tight t-shirts to expose as much of their muscle as possible.

"So, you planning on betting on anyone?"

He spun around to find Sean there, leaning a hand against the railing of the bleachers. He was dressed similar to the other guys, the muscles of his arm bulging forth from the outstretched limb. Holden fought back the urge to just stop breathing completely; it wouldn't do much to salvage his dignity, especially considering they were standing here on the floor of the gym with everyone up in the bleachers with a perfect view.

"No, I don't, so don't go expecting to hook up with me." Holden replied in a huff. Sean just smirked though, taking his arm from the rail and crossing them over his chest.

"I'd be fine with just talking."

"We _are_ talking Sean. There's not much you seem to want to say." Holden replied, looking around the crowd in hopes that the other boy would take the hint.

"Because it's obviously not enough, Holden; I'm not sure what more you want me to do. One second you want space, the next…"  
"You need to get up on stage; Mrs. Altrist is giving me the stink eye." Holden interrupted with a lie, grabbing Sean's bicep and urging him in the direction of the stairs. He tried not to think about how the other boy had felt beneath his fingers, instead watching the football player throw him a backwards glance before swaggering up the steps and onto the stage, easily getting into conversation with a few other guys.

Holden climbed up the bleachers and sat down comfortably between Kate and Reed, who had seemed to be chatting absentmindedly while they waited. Just as he sat down, Mrs. Altrist began the auction.

"The bidding will start at one dollar. Stand and raise your hand if you wish to bid; any shenanigans, and you'll be sent to detention immediately. This is for a children's hospital, so keep that in mind."

A few girls went up for auction; Reed betted on Jessica Stalling, some blonde junior that Holden had seen a few times. He won her, and hurried down the bleachers to meet her at the chairs where the pairs were to sit. Holden watched a few football players get picked, all by girls, and then the numbers were diminishing; two more girls and three more guys. Then, Sean stepped up to the front.

"Sean Jackson; one dollar." Mrs. Altrist began.

"Twenty dollars." Morley Clarkson said, standing and raising her hand. The audacity she had to plan this whole thing then try and steal Sean! Well, technically she wasn't stealing him, but she kind of was. He wasn't really sure how to justify that, so he settled on not moving and controlling the hard roll his stomach had done.

"Thirty dollars!" Maggie Lewin called out, darting up from her seat with an eager expression and wild eyes. She was a sophomore, and while it was slightly better if she got Sean than if Morley got him, Holden was a bit unnerved by her response.

"Forty dollars." Morley countered, granting Maggie a brief sneer.

"Fifty dollars!" Maggie replied.

Sean was looking bewildered, shocked that two girls seemed to be fighting over him. A few guys were chuckling at the irony of it, and Holden felt Sean's eyes catch his, only briefly.

"Sixty dollars." Morley said.

"One hundred dollars."

He didn't really realize when he had stood, or why he had his hand in the air. All Holden knew was that everyone was staring at him now, Morley surely glaring while Maggie nursed a broken heart. But his eyes settled on Sean as Mrs. Altrist called the bid on the other boy to an end. Even from that distance, he could see the confusion painted on the other boy's face, and it made him want to grab his hand and take him out of the gym. He kind of forgot why he shouldn't do that for a moment, just standing there staring at the stage. He felt a nudge, and then he remembered that he was supposed to be moving down to the chairs. Time seemed to barely pass as he made his way to the gym floor, reaching the chairs as Sean waited for him. Sean tried to grab his hand, but he pulled it away when an image of Brian flashed to the forefront of his mind.

"Queers!" Someone yelled in the crowd.

"Say that to my face and I'll kick your ass!" Sean hollered menacingly in return, Holden fighting back the urge to just run away right now. He took his seat, Sean feeling so much larger beside him.

"What the hell was that about?" Sean questioned in a hushed tone, leaning toward Holden as the auction continued.

"I'll tell you once I figure it out." Holden replied, not daring to look at him as he pondered when exactly his heart had gotten such a strong say in what his head decided.

The auction came to a close, and Mrs. Altrist announced that money would be charged to each student's account for later payment if necessary. All the students were dismissed, and those who had made purchases were forced to sign a disclaimer about what exactly they _weren't_ entitled to just because they had bought a football player or cheerleader. Sean hovered behind Holden as he signed the paper, and then Holden headed out toward the parking lot, the other boy right beside him.

"Well, what now?" Sean questioned, as they made their way across the lot.

"You can go, if you want to." Holden replied, yanking his keys out of his pocket and unlocking his car.

"Why would I wanna do that, babe?"

Holden practically felt himself cringe, and he turned back toward Sean as they stood beside his car. The other boy had a playful expression, unphased by Holden's seriousness.

"I don't know why I bid on you. Call it petty jealousy or whatever you want, I don't care. But I have a boyfriend, who I have strong feelings for, so I don't need you screwing things up any more than you already have."

Sean smirked, reaching out to touch him. Holden swatted his hand away, but Sean grabbed his hand and pulled him forward, flush against his chest.

"You bought me, so you get me. And honestly, that disclaimer doesn't mean shit, because there's nothing you could have me do for you that would be against my will."

Holden took a deep breath, forcing his thoughts away from what those words meant. He shoved away from Sean's grasp, the other boy allowing it this time.

"Let's just go." He replied, climbing into his vehicle.

* * *

He wasn't exactly sure where they were driving. He kind of meandered around town, wasting away all of twenty minutes as Sean fiddled with the radio dial, trying to find a good station.

"Would you just pick something?" Holden finally snapped, and Sean twisted the dial one last time, setting it to Top 40.

"I kinda like the bite you have now. Did Brian teach you that?" He asked, and Holden could hear the teasing in his voice. He was torn to stop the car and kick him out, or just stop it and throw himself at him. This was really not a good situation.

He settled on driving to the park and parking them there. It was a Friday evening, so most kids were off getting ready for parties rather than doing drug deals. He cut the engine, leaning back against his seat and just thinking. He felt Sean's eyes on him, but when he turned to look at him, he was jarred by the vulnerability the other boy's face held.

"So I guess this is our chance to talk?" Sean asked, and Holden turned back to staring hard at his steering wheel, sinking down into his seat.

"Yeah, I guess so." Holden replied, unsure what else to say.

"Well, I still love you, just in case you forgot." Sean began, adjusting in his own seat.

"Sean, don't. You're the one who called us off." Holden replied, tracing the emblem on the leather.

"Yeah, and I apologized. Honestly, Holden, I don't know what else to say to you. I didn't cheat on you or anything, and I even gave you space like I said I would. I want to work us out, and you're acting like I totally screwed you over."

"You kind of did, Sean! I needed you more than ever, and you just left me in limbo. I didn't know what to do, or who to go to. Thank God Reed was a good friend. I appreciate that you didn't cheat on me, and I really believe you're a good guy. I just don't know whether or not this is going to be a recurring situation, where you have me when it's convenient and then push me away when it's not."

Sean was silent at that, and Holden didn't continue, allowing his words to sink in. Maybe he was being a bit unfair. Maybe Sean had just had a moment of weakness, and he needed to accept that. Holden certainly wasn't perfect; the last thing he wanted was to seem like a total girl about it all. Then felt a hand on his arm, and he turned. Sean was looking at him in question, his hand moving down his arm before settling on his hand, which rested against his knee. Holden didn't pull away, allowing the other boy to take his hand and hold it against the armrest.

Sean settled back to looking out toward the park, and Holden felt his heart pumping loud in his ears as he followed the other boy's view. Sean's hand felt rough and callused, similar to Brian's. Sean's was a bit larger though, his fingers weaving through Holden's more assuredly.

"I signed to Vanderbilt." He said.

"Oh, really? That's great." Holden managed out, even though his stomach was churning at the words. Berkeley and Vanderbilt were nowhere near one another. "I got accepted to Berkeley."

"That's great, Holden." Sean said softly, tilting his head back against the headrest.

"Should we go somewhere?" Holden asked, moving his free hand along the wheel without much thought.

"Let's just stay here a while." Sean said, and Holden felt himself relax in his seat, not realizing he had been tense until that moment. Sean's thumb rubbed along his hand, and he licked his bottom lip before leaning back to press his knees against the dashboard, getting comfortable.

"I feel the same way." He said, before he even allowed himself to think about it.

"What?" Sean asked, turning toward him.

"That thing you said earlier, about how you felt about me. I feel the same way."

He felt Sean smile, and in that moment, Holden didn't allow himself to think about Brian. He didn't allow himself to consider the future or anything else, really, besides just sitting in his car with Sean, allowing the cool spring air to seep into the vehicle. He couldn't help but wonder if that missing piece was now in place. Or maybe he had just shattered the rest of the puzzle along the way.


	18. Chapter 18

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Eighteen

I know I promised less time between updates, but it has been quite a wild few weeks! I wanted to get this chapter right, and now that things are settling down, it shouldn't be so long for the next chapter. Things are winding down; right now, I plan to end things at chapter twenty. I'm glad this has garnered some fans and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

It was late April; it was not supposed to rain like this in late April. Holden's windshield wipers beat at the relentless downpour, seeming to make no headway as he drove far below the speed limit on a back road. The weather had set in without warning a few minutes ago; he had expected it to pass, but instead the degree of rain intensified, leaving his path of vision in his vehicle at pretty much none.

He was lucky that he knew this path like his own road home at this point; enough trips to Brian's house had prompted his memory to store the directions. He had only a few more miles to go, but at this rate, it would take him at least ten more minutes. He eyed the clock, seeing that it was late evening. If this weather didn't let up, he'd be spending the night.

As he became accustomed to the beating of the rain against his car, Holden allowed his mind to drift away from the present situation. There he was, sitting with Sean as the sun dipped down the horizon. Neither of them spoke the rest of their time in the car, just basking in the easiness of the moment. Holden knew as soon as either of them got out of his car, everything would get complicated. Brian was an amazing guy, one of the best, and there was no way that Holden could just break up with him when he had done nothing wrong. It wasn't right. He still held on to the hope that maybe things would ignite with Brian the way they had with Sean; maybe he was just holding on to Sean too tightly. Not that the time in the car had helped.

Finally, he reached Brian's driveway. He pulled up to the garage, the overhanging limbs of a tree blocking some of the rain. He killed the engine as the garage door opened, revealing Brian standing in a hoody and sweats, offering a big grin. Holden couldn't help but return it, climbing out of his vehicle and shutting the door behind him, hurrying across the short distance so that he could reach the warmth of the garage.

"Hey." Brian greeted, closing the garage behind them as Holden wiped a hand through his hair, wet from just the brief route from car to garage.

"Hey." Holden replied, and Brian stepped forward, hand moving to rest casually on his hip. Holden allowed himself to soak in the feeling of the other boy's body nearly pressed against his own. Brian leaned down, their lips making contact. Holden sighed against him, reaching forward to grab the other boy's hoody in his hands and pull him closer. Brian chuckled as Holden kissed him with more urgency, feeling emotions sweep through him as he felt the other body against his own.

Brian's other hand found Holden's hip, guiding him back toward the house. They barely made it indoors before Holden was yanking the hoody over Brian's head, thankful in equal parts to Brian's parents' couple's retreat and the boy's lack of layers beneath. His hands ran across bare skin as Brian unzipped his jacket and shoved it from his shoulders. Holden allowed him to tear the shirt over his head before he led Brian to the couch, a large piece of furniture that could substitute as a substantial bed.

Thirty minutes later, Brian was collapsed on top of Holden face buried in his neck as both boys lay equally naked and exhausted. Holden ran his hands through Brian's soft hair, massaging his scalp as he stared up at the ceiling in the dim room. He heard the crackling of a fire in the background as it warmed the room. Brian kissed his neck softly, traveling along his jaw before finding his lips.

They kissed lazily for a moment, all while Holden tried to fight off the sinking feeling in his stomach. This didn't usually happen right now; he should be euphoric, not dissonant.

"You okay?" Brian asked, pulling back with a creased brow.

"Yeah, 'm fine. Just tired." Holden replied with a weak smile, truly feeling his eyelids getting heavy. Brian smiled, rolling off of him and standing.

"I'm hungry. You want anything?" He asked, grabbing his boxers and pulling them on before disappearing behind the couch somewhere.

"I'm fine." Holden replied as a click of a light signaled the boy's location in the kitchen, and Holden just lay there, feeling a chill set in at the loss of the warm body as he attempted not to panic.

"Do you have any blankets anywhere?" Holden asked, sitting up. He looked into the kitchen at his boyfriend, sifting through the cabinets with his back to him.

"Yeah, there's some in the armoire. Get me out one too, will ya? Do you want any hot chocolate, maybe?"

"Sure." Holden said, strolling over to the large wooden set piece and opening it. A few quilts were stacked inside, and he grabbed two before returning to the couch.

However, no sooner had he wrapped himself in one and got comfortable on the couch then the light in the kitchen blacked out.

"Are you kidding me?" Brian questioned, walking back to the living room. He looked sexy, standing there in his boxers, muscled frame just barely illuminated by the fire.

"Power out?" Holden asked from the comfort of his blanket, swallowing hard against a knot that had risen in his throat.

"Yeah; I'm just glad I got a fire going." Brian replied, taking a seat beside the other boy and cloaking himself in the quilt.

"Well…what now?" Holden asked, leaning against the side arm rest and stretching his legs out on the couch.

"I guess we can just sit here and revel in one another's awesomeness." Brian replied with a smile.

"Sounds great." Holden said, returning the expression as he felt himself relaxing.

"We could always just have sex until the power comes back on." Brian suggested.

"Sorry, I don't think I have _that_ much stamina." Holden answered, leaning his head back with a bigger grin.

Silence filled the room then, leaving Holden to thoughts better left unattended. Like how he had had sex with Brian again just to see if the feelings for Sean dissipated. It hadn't worked, of course. Or how Brian looked at him, like he was his entire world. It just wasn't fair, especially not to Brian.

"I applied for Berkeley." Brian said suddenly. Holden's head snapped up, his eyes locking with the other boy's. He was staring back at him hard, though a bit of shyness crept in. Air suddenly seemed in short supply, and Holden could feel his palms clamming.

"What? I thought you had gotten a full ride to Brown."

"I did, but Berkeley's a really great school. They have a great tennis program and awesome dorms and you're there and everything…"

"Brian…" Holden hadn't meant to come out so weak, but he couldn't take it back now. Not with Brian looking at him like that, with his eyes all full of hope that Holden knew was founded on love that wasn't close to evenly reciprocated. Realization dawned on him then, as the soothing tone of the fire and drumming of the rain set a backdrop to the words that he couldn't run away from anymore.

"We need to break up, Brian."

Shock was the first thing to flash across the other boy's face. Then panic, or maybe betrayal, and then some other emotions that Holden just couldn't read. All he could do was sit there and take it in.

"Why?" Brian finally asked, once he had seemed to reign in all of the conflicting emotions. His face seemed almost impartial now, but Holden knew that wasn't the type of person Brian was.

"Because I can't love you as much as I should be able to." Holden replied, feeling his heart ache at his own words.

"But that's okay, Holden. Really, I can settle with that." Brian said, leaning closer to him. His face was just barely lit by the fire, but Holden could see the desperation written across his profile now.

"You shouldn't have to, though. You deserve so much more than I can give you. I'm sorry." Holden whispered, just loud enough that Brian could hear it.

Brian just sort of hovered there, torso over Holden's legs as he stared long and hard into the other boy's eyes. Holden let him, no matter how much he wanted to look away. Maybe he could show him everything that he couldn't seem to say. Finally, Brian settled back against the couch, sighing.

"I guess I should have seen this coming. I just thought we were going so strong."

"I'm sorry." Holden replied.

"Don't be. You can't control your heart; I'm just glad you let me know before I invested a ton of time into Berkeley."

Holden watched as Brian toyed with the quilt, knowing he wanted to say something else.

"It's Sean, isn't it?" Brian asked, looking back over at him knowingly.

Holden nodded, feeling suddenly too small in the large quilt. Brian's gaze just made him seem even more stupid for leading him on for so long. Now, it seemed so obvious that there was really only one choice all along.

"Of course; who else would it be? Honestly, I don't really get it. He's hot and all, but I'm just as awesome as he is."

"Yeah, you are. Maybe even more awesome." Holden replied with a weak smile.

Brian turned to look at the fire, seeming to get lost in his thoughts. Holden let him; he deserved as much, after all.

"He better be good to you."

"I think he will be this time." Holden replied, feeling sure of himself, despite all the baggage that he seemed to be holding onto for all these months. Now it just seemed like he was transcending everything.

"I hope for your sake that you're right. Either way, just know I'm here for you, Holden." Brian said, looking back at him with a disarming sincerity.

"Thank you, Brian." Holden responded, really hoping that this wouldn't be the last time he would talk to Brian.

"C'mere." He said, stretching out his arms.

"What?" Holden questioned, shrinking back a bit into the couch.

"I wanna cuddle. Just one last time. You dumped me on my face, so I think you deserve to at least give me this."

Holden sighed, leaning forward and allowing Brian to pull him into his arms. Brian twisted them around in their quilts, their bodies melding together easily after various nights of practice. Holden settled his head into Brian's chest, the other boy's fingers running along his back. It was so easy, so peaceful; and yet all it did was lead him to wonder why this couldn't have ended differently.


	19. Chapter 19

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Chapter Nineteen

Well, this is almost it! All that's left is the epilogue, which I sort of already have planned out, but want to make absolutely perfect. I hope this chapter is good; it was one of my favorites to write.

* * *

Now that he had broken up with Brian, it should have been easy to jump right back in Sean's arms. The other boy had made it clear that he was waiting for him, that he wasn't going to try a relationship with anyone else until Holden took him back. All that had been holding them apart was Holden's relationship. And a little thing called pride, but he tried not to dwell upon that too much.

The final weeks of school began to dwindle away, days filled with studying for finals and various other exams. Holden didn't have time to worry about Sean, really. He tried to tell himself that as he poured over review books, tapping his pencil against his desk with urgency as he tried to draw his attention from big biceps and infectious grins to cognitive dissonance and opponent processing.

"I heard you broke up with Brian."

Holden turned to the boy standing beside his locker. Sean leaned by his shoulder against the locker adjacent to Holden's, dressed in a green t-shirt and loose ripped jeans. His eyes were more questioning than knowing, which surprised the other boy.

"Who told you?" Holden asked, closing his locker and heading in the direction of College Algebra.

"I heard it through the rumor mill," Sean began, trailing after him. "Rumor has it you cheated on him with his tennis coach."

"That part is _not_ true." Holden said, flinching for the briefest of seconds at the fine line between truth and fiction in high school.

"That's good to hear." Sean said, sounding far more relieved than Holden was sure he had meant to. They continued to stroll down the hallway, underclassmen managing to move out of their way.

"Is that all you wanted to know? Because I don't think you're mentally evolved enough to handle College Algebra."

"Dude, I passed Trigonometry last year with a B. Totally not a sign of my low IQ just cuz I hate math," Sean retorted as they reached the doorway. Holden halted, leaning against the door as he turned his full attention to the other boy. Sean seemed to realize that he was waiting for him to continue, and he cleared his throat with purpose. "I was wondering if, since you were single and all again, you may wanna, you know…"  
"I don't think I've ever seen you this flustered, Sean." Holden replied with a smirk. It was refreshing to be able to turn the tables for once.

"You screw with my damn head, Holden!" Sean snapped low, brow creasing. When he spoke again, his voice was more even. "I'm asking you out on a date. If you say no, I reserve all rights to beat the shit out of myself."

Holden snorted. "That's pretty weak blackmail, you know; what if I don't care whether or not you get injured?"  
"Then I guess I'll be in a wheelchair next year for Vanderbilt if things go well." Sean replied, smirking how Holden remembered so well.

"Pick me up at six tomorrow night. I have an AP test that day, so if I want to be a total douche bag, you have to deal with it." Holden replied, smiling in return. It seemed time had made him far less susceptible to Sean's charms.

"Fine by me, as long as I get to see your sexy ass outside of school." Sean answered, and before Holden could stop him, he planted one right on his lips. It was brief yet sparked a trigger in Holden's chest that caught his breath in his throat. Sean touched his face for a second, rough palm feeling warm against his flesh, and then he was grinning big, all pretenses gone. The bell rang and Sean was sauntering away, Holden heading into the classroom. It seemed he wasn't as immune to Sean Jackson as he had thought.

* * *

Holden buttoned up his flannel, leaving the top button undone for effect. His jeans were loose, comfortable on his hips. He swiped a hand through his hair, a few strands moving into place as he did. He gazed at himself in his bathroom mirror; there was a frustrating pimple on his temple, but otherwise he was proud of his appearance. Just as he was sifting through his wallet to check how much money he had, a knock sounded downstairs.

"Holden, I believe that's for you!" His mom called from the kitchen, busy preparing dinner. He tried not to seem too eager as he walked down the stairs and to the front door. Truth be told, he was a little bit excited; he wasn't about to let Sean know that, though. Last time, he had been a total pushover, something he wasn't proud of. That wasn't him, and he had been a bit dazed by the idea of being with the sole daydream that inhabited his teenage fantasies.

Holden shoved his wallet into his back pocket before opening the front door. Sean stood there in a plaid shirt, unbuttoned just enough to expose the expanse of muscle along his chest. His jeans were ripped, revealing one of his kneecaps. His hair was tousled, and he looked like he might have a lumberjack alter ego.

"You ready to go, babe?" Sean asked, grinning wide.

"Yeah, as long as you don't call me that." Holden replied with as much disdain as he could muster, closing the door behind him and leading the way to Sean's truck, parked parallel by the mailbox.

"You used to love it." Sean retorted, his tone playful.

"We aren't together, Sean." Holden said with care, waiting as the other boy walked around to the driver's side to unlock the door.

"Yet." Sean finished, climbing in and pressing the unlock button once inside.

"We aren't together." Holden repeated, taking a seat as Sean started the engine.

"You know, there's all this space beside me for you to sit." Sean said as he drove into the city. Holden eyed the middle seat between Sean and himself, the arm rest pushed up to make room.

"I'm not letting you get handsy with me." He replied, turning back to gaze out the front window.

"That's what you say now. I'll have you panting my name by midnight." Sean said, and Holden could just feel his smirk.

"How romantic." Holden groaned, not offering anything else up for conversation.  
Holden had started to drift off into fantasy when Sean broke the silence. "Can you believe we're getting ready to graduate?"

"Not really; it feels like yesterday I was a freshman, pining after the up and coming quarterback." Holden replied, turning to offer Sean a smile.

Sean chuckled, shoulders seeming to loosen. "I thought you were pretty cute too."

Holden snorted. "I had all sorts of acne problems and not an ounce of muscle; no need to lie to me."

"You were kind of endearing, always passing out fliers for clubs and stuff. I don't know, I had a thing for nerds I guess."

"I was _not_ a nerd." Holden retorted, incredulous.

"If not a nerd, you sure were a diva." Sean said, and this time his smile didn't hold anything but joy.

"Yeah, I guess. Whatever; I _might _be kind of dramatic sometimes."

* * *

Sean had made reservations at the local Thai restaurant; Holden had never been, but it seemed quite nice inside. The lighting was dim, and they were seated at a booth for two, the wood table spotless.

"So how are your parents doing?" Sean asked, toying with the salt shaker once the waiter had left to fill their drink orders.

"They're good; my mom's stressing out a bit about me moving so far away, but I think she'll learn to cope eventually." Holden said, sipping at his water once the waiter set it down.

They placed their orders, and Holden was a bit unsettled by the silence that filtered in.

"You're a lot sharper than you used to be." Sean said. Holden looked up to examine him, but the other boy's eyes were on his water as he stirred it with his straw.

"What do you mean?" Holden asked, leaning forward with his arms crossed on the table as his brow creased in questioning.

"Before, you seemed so much more…unsure, I guess. Like maybe you didn't know whether or not we should be together, or like you didn't have a lot of confidence. You just sort of went with the flow. Now you have a lot more bite to you. I like it; it keeps me on my toes." Sean finished, looking up at him with a smile.

Holden sighed, leaning back in his seat, trying to control the thud of his heart upon seeing the expression grace the other boy's face. "You haven't changed at all, for the record."

Sean snorted, taking a drink of his water, "Gee, thanks."

"No, it's a good thing. You're still kind of arrogant, but not enough to make you a jerk. It's hot."

Their food arrived before Sean could respond; steaming platters piled high with food. They ate it relative silence, but it was far easier this time.

"What are your plans for the summer, Holden?" Sean asked, taking a break from his mound of veggies.

Holden shrugged, twirling his pasta without much thought. "I don't know. I have summer orientation, and I'm thinking about getting a job, but I kind of just want to enjoy this time before I really become an adult."  
"I'm the same way. I just want to savor the last days of my childhood." Sean replied, popping a broccoli tree into his mouth.

"It's kind of scary, isn't it? We're gonna be adults, out in the real world, making our own decisions. I've spent so much time worrying about what my parents think, seeking their approval, and now I don't have to anymore. The only person I have to keep happy is myself."

When he didn't get a response, Holden looked up at Sean. The other boy was just sitting there, brow creased as he stared hard at his plate.

"Sean, you alright?" Holden asked, voice quieter than he had meant.

Sean shook his head, looking up at Holden and offering a weak smile. "Yeah, just…thinking about stuff. Sorry."

"Should I be worried?" Holden asked, tone playful but meaning his words.

"Naw, I've been doing that lately. I just kind of get lost in my own head sometimes."

"I get that. I'm sort of always like that, actually." Holden replied, earning a chuckle from Sean.

They fell back into easy conversation, casual exchanges of words with the occasional joke. Holden found himself feeling more at ease than he had in quite some time, enjoying Sean's company in a way that he hadn't since before they had let the whole school know about them.

* * *

As they were driving, Holden could tell something was bothering Sean. The other boy's hands seemed too tight on the wheel, his eyes too focused forward.

"Sean, what's bothering you?" Holden asked, leaning toward him a bit.

"It's nothing, I promise." Sean replied, but Holden was unconvinced. He slipped off his seat belt, sliding across the seat to the middle. He buckled himself in, and reached out, grabbing one of Sean's hands off the steering wheel and holding it in his own on his lap. It felt rough in his, warm and nice and just _right_.

"You can't do that to me, Holden." Sean muttered, not taking his eyes from the road.

"What?" Holden asked, feeling the way Sean's frame tightened against him. The other boy seemed to consider his words with care, Holden managing to wait with as much patience as he could muster.

"I used to be able to keep it together pretty well, back when we were dating. Now, though…there's just something about you. I don't know what it is, but when you get close to me, I feel everything so much stronger. The briefest brush of the shoulder with someone feels like a punch to the gut, and the slightest sniff causes a vivid scope of images behind my eyes. Whenever I'm around you, I just sort of…lose control. It kind of freaks me out, how I feel about you. Whenever you were with Brian, it would take all my self-control to not break all of his limbs and then light him on fire, and he's not even a bad guy. I'm just not sure what I'm capable of when it comes to you."

Holden felt Sean's grip on his hand tight now, fingers fastened through his. He pondered the other boy's words, realizing where he was coming from. The way he felt about Sean was so much different. He didn't have the territorial drive to keep him safe; he just felt this strong bond that made him want to either pass out or make Sean happy however he could. It was like Sean was counterbalancing everything Holden felt.

"Do you ever wonder if maybe you're just meant to be with someone?" Holden asked, running his thumb over the back of Sean's hand.

"Yeah." Sean replied without a thought, seeming to almost act upon instinct.

"I didn't think that was true. I always thought that there were people we're more drawn to, but that if something doesn't work out, we aren't necessarily out of luck. And then I wondered if there is that one person, if it's enough to be together just because it feels right. I wondered if maybe too much can happen, too much can screw things up and that person being the _right_ person just isn't enough. But now, I'm thinking maybe it is."

It was like the pressure Sean was building was released. His shoulders slumped back into a comfortable position, and his hand rested on the steering wheel, rather than locked upon it. Holden smiled to himself as Sean realized what he had said, and he leaned closer to him, their shoulders pressed together.

"My parents are out of town; do you wanna go back to my place?" Sean asked.

"That…" Holden swallowed around the lump in his throat, "…that sounds good."

Sean reached his house and pulled into the driveway, killing the engine. Both boys sat there, neither knowing whether or not to move. Then, Holden was turning toward Sean, and Sean was looking at him with this look, a look that Holden hadn't seen in a long time. Sean leaned down, hand finding its way to the back of Holden's neck, and he pushed his lips against the other boy's. Holden could feel his heart in his throat, thumping heavy and threatening to burst free as he managed to get his hands free between them, grabbing handfuls of Sean's shirt as the other boy adjusted in the seat, lowering them down onto the cushion as his lips moved with more insistence upon Holden's.

Holden shoved his lips harder against Sean, wanting to feel him more, to touch him more. His hands forced their way up his shirt, traveling along the shifting muscles of the other boy's back. Sean's lips trailed to his neck, kissing and biting along his jaw before finding his lips again and pressing his tongue into his mouth. Holden's nails ran blunt across Sean's skin. His legs were wound around Sean's, their bodies pressed so flush together that they were sharing body heat. Sean managed to pull his lips away, his hands resting on the cushion on either side of Holden's head. His eyes were heated, almost hostile, but Holden knew better.

"We need to take this inside; a lot more room." He said. Holden nodded, and they both managed to get out of the door before Sean was pinning him to the truck, kissing him with an urgency that fueled Holden's desires.

"S-Sorry…I just…" Sean began, panting, but Holden shook his head, grabbing his hand and walking them inside. Sean shut the door behind him, Holden already moving up the stairs. It was his turn to push himself against Sean, kissing the other boy hard against the frame of his bedroom.

Holden worked the buttons free on the plaid shirt, shoving it from Sean's shoulders. Sean almost ripped Holden's shirt, trying to get it off of his body. Both boys managed to get inside the room shirtless, shutting the door behind them. Holden led them back toward the bed, relying on memory rather than sight. He pushed Sean onto the bed, the other boy falling on his back.

Holden was upon him in seconds, unfastening his jeans as Sean's hands traveled all over his body, never settling upon one spot.

"I love you." Sean whispered against his lips as they kissed with sloppiness, trying to get rid of the rest of their clothing.

"I love you too, Sean Jackson." Holden replied as Sean's face buried in his neck, sucking on the flesh.

"Promise you won't leave me again, Holden. Please…" Sean begged, and Holden caught an inflection in his voice that caused his stomach to lurch. He buried his hands in Sean's hair, moving his face down so that their lips could press together again. He opened his mouth, allowing Sean's tongue to glide along his teeth. They kissed open-mouthed and desperate, chests slick against one another as the room began to feel too hot, too confining.

"I promise." Holden managed to reply, their foreheads pressed together as Sean's hands tugged his jeans loose and off of his hips. Sean nodded, biting at his own lip before kissing Holden again and rolling them over, taking control of the situation. Holden felt his entire world collapsing and coming into existence at the same time. This was all he wanted, and he was going to allow himself to have it.


	20. Chapter 20

Decode

By: KellyCRocker59

Epilogue

Well, I poured over this for weeks, trying to make it prefect. It seems I've reached an end, and I can only hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you to everyone who has read and enjoyed this, and thank you for being so amazing. I hope that this is a fitting end to one of my favorite stories I've written, and that you have also liked it. It has been a long ride, but I'm glad to be able to share it with all of you!

* * *

"Holden, you just look _adorable_!"

Holden spun around just as he was fully embraced by a smaller blonde individual.

"Thanks…Morley." He replied, and she pulled back to grant him a big grin. He readjusted his cap as she stumbled back. "Are you…drunk?" He questioned, raising an eyebrow. She put a finger to her lips.

"Shh…I just had a shot or two. Just wanted to be a little buzzed for our _big day_!"

He rolled his eyes, placing a hand on either shoulder as the girl rocked back and forth. "Just go find whoever you're walking with, and please try to keep some sense of sobriety."

"So many big words, you're getting me all dizzy." She responded with a disoriented grin.

"That's not me, that's the alcohol." He replied, pushing the girl slightly toward where the mobs of people were. He had just arrived, and scanned the vicinity for familiar faces. He found Julia talking with Reed, so he headed over there, curious as to where Sean was, but not worrying too much. The guy seemed to make a point of being late to school events.

"Hey; you nervous?" Julia asked, turning toward him.

"Not too bad, but it hasn't really sunk in yet. What about you guys?" Holden asked.

Reed gave a shrug. "High school's kind of been my life for the past four years, but I'm over it. I'll miss everybody, but it's not that big of a deal."

"I only spend a few hours a day in this place as it is, so it won't be that big of a transition for me. I barely recognize half these people!" Julia replied, rubbing her hands together and betraying the slight nerves that seemed to be taking her.

"I think we'll all be fine. We're just going to need to hang out a lot this summer." Holden said, reaching over and grabbing one of Julia's hands in his. She offered him a kind smile, and he felt his heart soften, nerves that he didn't realize he had seeming to dissipate a bit.

"Everyone start lining up with your partner in the gym, single file!" Mr. Halk called from the front of the Common's Area. All the students began to head into the gym, searching for their partner.

"Have you guys seen Sean anywhere?" Holden asked.

Julia and Reed shook their heads, and Holden furrowed his brow, looking toward the entrance for his walking partner. He was not about to go in there alone. He entered the gym regardless, getting in line behind Julia and Reed before striking up a conversation with Cecily Founder, known as the petite advocate for the school's branch of PETA.

"Hey, Holden?"

He turned at his name, finding Kate there. He couldn't tell whether her expression was earnest or restrained, so many emotions playing out on her profile that he couldn't pinpoint one. Either way, he could see the slight glaze of her eyes, similar to Morley's, but this was different. Without even thinking, he reached out, wrapping his arms around her. She returned it, grappling to him like she was being thrown off of a cliff and he was her only means of survival.

"I love you, Holden. I'll never forget you." She whispered into his shoulder, and he felt his stomach knotting. All of it was hitting him now, overtaking him and throwing him into a tsunami with nothing to cling to. What was he supposed to do now? There was no standard, nothing that was going to stay the same. In three months, he would never see another one of these people again for at least four months, in not longer. If ever again.

"I love you too, Kate." He muttered, not because he didn't want to say it but because he just _couldn't_. She pulled away, and he scrubbed at his face, getting the sleeve of his gown wet. She was crying too, far more than him. Her face was scrunched in a sort of compact way, her eyes squinted shut.

"We've just been through so much, you know?" She continued, wiping at her eyes. He nodded, reaching in again and hugging her tight. He wished he could just pause this moment, just stay in high school forever with his friends and Sean and never have to worry about money or a job or just life.

"Hey, sorry I'm late!"

Holden pulled away and turned to find Sean attempting to get his cap adjusted, a big grin plastered to his face despite his attempts to regain his breath. Then, he caught Holden's expression, and his brow knitted in concern. "Whoah, babe, what's wrong?"

Holden just shook his head, not really able to speak.

"It's all gonna be over, Sean! We're graduating and we're gonna be adults and it's all just gonna…it's all just gonna _change_ and it's just, just…" Kate stuttered, still wiping madly at her face.

"Hey, why don't you go find your boyfriend? I'm sure I spotted Harrison somewhere." Sean said, turning and looking at the girl a bit sternly. She nodded though, not seeming to notice as she meandered her way further back in line.

"Why'd you do that?" Holden asked, sniffing hard. Sean gripped his shoulders.

"You two are toxic for each other right now. Any more of that crap and you'd have the whole student body in tears."

"I…" Holden began, but then Sean pulled him into a tight embrace. The first thing Holden wondered was why in the world Sean would hug him if his goal was to _stop_ the tears. Then, he just allowed himself to melt into the other boy, because this was all he really needed right now. Just someone to tell him he was going to be okay, that it was all going to be okay.

Sean finally pulled back, offering Holden a soft smile before grabbing his hand in his.

"It's time to go everyone! Get ready to start walking!" Mr. Halk roared over the bustle of talking. Everyone turned to the front, and the first couple began walking, heading through the Common's Area to stand outside of the auditorium. Being about tenth in line, Holden had a bit of time to get himself under control before everyone's eyes were on him.

"It's going to be okay, you know."

Holden sighed, gripping Sean's hand tighter. The other boy ran his thumb along the back of his hand, trying to rein in his boyfriend's nerves, but it wasn't doing a ton of good.

"What are we going to do next year, Sean? We're going to colleges that are nowhere near each other. High school relationships, they don't…"

"We'll back it work. _I_ will make it work. I'm not losing you." Sean interrupted, leaning forward to catch a glimpse at the crowd.

"But, what if…" Holden began, but then Sean turned to him, grabbed his face in both hands, and kissed him. Holden's eyes went wide from shock, but then he closed them, hands finding their way to Sean's arms, kissing him back. It was a deep kiss, taking every bit of Holden's heart and nuking it, all of his worries blown away so easily that he wondered what he had even been thinking.

Sean pulled back, and Holden took a deep breath, looking at the other boy. His eyes were calm but strong, and his hands still held Holden's face.

"It's going to be okay. I promise you that everything is going to work out."

Holden nodded, and he actually believed him. Sean smiled then, letting go of his face and grabbing his hand again, turning back to face forward.

"I love you." Holden whispered, just loud enough for him to hear.

"I love you too, Holden." Sean replied, not caring who heard.

And that was when Holden let go. All of his thoughts and fears, he let drift away. He held Sean's hand tight, and just allowed himself to soak in this moment. This was their time, when life became real. There was no more messing around, but it was time. He was ready.


End file.
